Why I’m Not Into Relationships

By nature, 
I’m not an emotional being.
Through birth, 
I never had a father.
Through life, 
I lost my grandfather,
The only man I looked up to.

Now here I am,
Behind a great wall,
One I won’t put down,
Or let anyone in…
I barely get out,
But when eventually do,
I’m in a cocoon.
Hoping no-one will get too close
Or invade my personal bubble.

Longing for love & affection… 

In a distance.

I know it’s Impossible,
That it just can’t be.
But bitchy & demanding. 
That’s just me.

So I guess I’m cold &
Occasionally mean.
I find it so hard to open up & Be free.
Free to fall. 
& Free to love.
Free. To. Fall. In. Love.

I’m Scared, 
Afraid &
Ashamed…
Yes Ashamed,
I got so much emptiness in my heart.
No amount of words & love can fill it up..

I don’t want someone to give me their heart,
Because I know for a FACT I won’t give them Mine!
I’m scared I’ll hurt them…
I’m scared they’ll go all-out
To give me All of them,
When I won’t even give them a piece of me.
When they show me affection,
I’ll give them the cold shoulder…
I don’t want to be that person they’ll remember for breaking their heart,
Or making them wait,
I DON’T wanna be that Person!

So don’t worry about me…
I’ll be fine.
I’ve been going on like this for all my life.
20 years, pretty impressive, huh?
I’ve managed to survive.
It’s never killed me.
Although I occasionally cry.
I’m still here.
I’m still breathing.
I think I’m Still Alive…

I’m NOT Selfish.
I’m Selfless.
I’m putting your happiness before mine
Can’t you see?
I’ve been hurt before.
I know how it feels…

I know whatever happens,
My heart will land up hurt & damaged
& I’ll probably have no say in it,
Because I won’t have any control…
I’ll have to pick up 
The pieces that I can &
Feel sorry for myself
.S.O.R.R.Y.
But I’m not down for that…

I’ve learned the hard way.
I’ve learned that People leave you when you need them most…
Don’t even try convincing me otherwise!

My dad was never there when I
Sat up,
Spoke,
Crawled,
Walked,
Or even when I started school…
I’ve always acted like it never phased me…
That I didn’t really care,
But the truth of the matter is…
I did!
& I still do!

I keep Repeating it,
Over & 
Over & 
Over again…
So I guess it is true…
I’m hurting inside
No in fact,
I’m fcuking hurt!!!!

The one Man who’s suppose to help me guard my heart,
Keeps on breaking it unknowingly….
I’m left here to pick up the pieces,
Like a father should after his daughters 1st heartbreak…

All I really want from my dad is love & moments to share.
Not his money.
I don’t think I’m asking for much.
I’m patiently waiting to receive his love & time
So that I don’t have to keep this guard up.
I’m tired of fighting the emotions I have for people,
Because my heart refuses to commit.

I still find it hard to go to bed… 
Sometimes 
I just can’t sleep through this pain…
It hurts…
It hurts soo bad.
Nobody gets to see it because
When I wake up, 
I face the world with a smile, 
A pair of Shades,
& a mean catwalk,
Just to cover the hurt from last night. 

So I’m gonna be honest with you…
I’m not looking for pain.
I’m not looking for suffering.
I’m not looking for heartbreak.
But most of all, I’m Not looking for LOVE…

♥ Kamiz

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