My Saint Valentine

I never believed in roses and chocolates

Or expressing a different kind of affectionate, materialistic love for a few hours,

But I did believe in Grandpa.

He was a Valentines Baby,

Born on the 14th of February,

And born with a lot of love to give.

I didn’t realise this until passed.

He was the bonding glue that brought the family together,

And now that he’s no longer here,

I can feel it,

Like a shattered heart with pieces splitting directly from contact.  

Because now, we’ve all lost contact.         

♥ Kamiz

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The Artist

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A fractional piece of your life mirrors his…

Where the cutting of his ear 

Echos your love for music &

Displaying how much you’re willing to sacrifice,

Before you actually lose it.

Both somehow portraying a sense of overzealness in your craft. . .

In a parallel universe,

Exists a little corner store,

Feeling like somehow you gave them a piece of your soul,

So they could give you a piece of your old life back.

Mimicking nothing,

But the energy he once drew

From his deepest emotions,

As his very own muse.

Creative at heart,

Wired with passion and 

The ability to feel with great depth.

Seeing and feeling beyond the human eye.

Overactive imagination

Allowing you to already see

Right through her naked body

Without exercising your naked eye.

 

Adopting multiple personalities and

Traits to mask yourself

Like layers of water-based paint

Forever changing and shape shifting,

& sometimes even painting over your somber mood. 

Making musical references

To make sense of ramification.

Not bound to any genre

Because you experience songs as inspiration.

Subconsciously expressing emotional clues

Subliminally hidden in your favourite tunes. 

Turning the music up so loud

You would think Eminem

Is throwing a private concert

In your very own room.

So out of tune with the world,

Yet still so in touch,

Beating to the rhythm of your very own drum.

Part of you hating that

The very song that moves you

Beyond the beat

Makes little sense

To everyone else listening.

But stil somewhat glad

That they’re moving their body anyway,

Interpreting the song in their own way.

Always thinking

The next part of your life will

Unfold a part of the answers,

Like how rhythm blends in with the blues.

Making peace with the adventure

Of finding the key in the next chapter. 

One of life’s paradoxes surface, 

Lingering is the thought of wanting to open doors to new things 

But still feeling quite safe with all those doors closed in.

Point is,

They don’t know about Your life.

They don’t know about you.

Then again

Nobody does.

&  Somehow

You’re perfectly okay with that. 

♥ Kamiz

Confessions of A Side Chick. . .

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You probably don’t remember the first day we met…

                    

Standing behind me,

In the line of the club,

With your shadow all over my back.

Your girl’s name rolling off the tip of your tongue-

During your annoying conversation,

But you can’t figure out how to ignore me,

Because I’m walking, breathing temptation… 

With frequent giggling in between –

Ohhhh, how I wish you would both shut up

{and focus on}

My ass filling each air bubble

Between Me and my ‘oh so tight’ freakum dress.  

 

Looking like an unavoidable Thirst Trap,

Continuously tossing and flipping my hair…

Finding angles that could navigate my ass to your head,

Just to estimate the amount of endurance

I’d be able to contain

Whilst you’re tugging on my hair-

Expressing aspects of pleasure or pain.

 

Couple of weeks down,

No wifey around your arm,

Just a vulnerable – umarked you

And a Pack of your boys-

Boy what would I do without your Jokers?

Telling you to try yourself out,

Indulge in a little more Goose,

And let the urge to fight temptation loose…

Loose like my waist on your pelvis.

Dirty dancing more potent than the drink in my cup.

Subtle whispers in my ear,

Like you need me.

Sounding like me when I make Lean Inspired Calls

To the asshole who

And activated my whore’ish ways.

I had a short dress on,

Which was easy to rip off,

And memories waiting to be erased.

Your tongue rolling up and down my navel,

Followed by deep stokes of breath taking penetration.

Barely realising that you never looked me in the face,

And that you missed my lips,

And nibbled on my neck instead.

So blinded by sex,

I didn’t see you in the morning.

Hec, how did I even get to my bed?

 

23:30,

Parallely touching my bed,

Defying all the laws,

Even those of gravity.

Far from grounding thoughts in my head.

Longing for someone to hold me down,

Spank me, satisfy, stimulate, arouse and pull my hair.

With no intentions of being cuffed,

      Just dying to be tied.      

 

I get a text that reads:

“I NEED YOU”.

Unknown number,

No signage at the end,  

I just knew it was you-

Your voice resignates in my dreams,

I memorised your tone so well during sex,

That I could hear it in a text.

I move faster than the speed of your favorite superhero

On your childish bed.

Upside down irony,

Unbeknown to me,

That you’re Captain Save a Hoe. 

 

Lips lined with your girl’s favorite MAC.

Being disrespectful enough to remark her territory…

Hoping my smell would linger on you

Like a layer of your very own skin.

I want her to smell me on you.

I want her to feel insignificant,

Especially when the lights turn off.

 

When she accuses you of cheating,

She should know that you associate yourself with girls like me…

Girls with the same colour lipstick she uses to kiss you goodnight.  

 

She couldn’t prove a thing though,

Little did she know,

Whenever I called;

She would hand you the phone,

In exchange for a gun,

Because you saved my number as

I.C.E Mom

[In Case of Erection,  My Orgasm Mistress]

  

Your long arms lock me in like seat belts,

Til now, I’ve never known how sweet kisses felt,

In the mist of the heated passion,

I vow that I’ll live in your sheets for eternity.

Use me.

Abuse me.

Let your untruthful kisses wrap me in.

I’m not good at standing still,

But I’ll keep my feet cemented if you let me in.

You’re everything bad,

Without any of the good.

 

And I know when you walk back into her room,

Her bed greets you like a criminal in a line up,

Because mine does too. 

So we sleep on the floor instead,

But in parallel universes.

I swear they can feel your fingerprints on my bed.            

The heavy fabric of sex lingers all over…

A dead give away.

But we cover it with sweet kisses and endless lust.

Still hoping we can do it all over again.

 

Doing everything within my power

To make this ‘Side’ relationship your comfort zone.

Trying not to weigh you down

With all my baggage of emotion.

So that you can consider Me,

If you ever had the option.  

 

Upon her arrival,

You stay on the floor,

Because her bed is too holy for you to lay on.

She slips in the covers,

Feeling light years apart-

The distance between you;

Measured more in feelings than in feet,

And time?

In the number of hours you kiss another woman and actually telling her…

And she could feel it.

A deep, encompassing pain

Lingering on every part of her,

As if it were swallowing her up. 

And I bet when she assumed you were entangled in deep sleep,

You heard the pain in her chest-

Struggling to breathe,

Unable to move her lungs.

You couldn’t help but feel the guilt.

Knowing that our pleasure is causing her

So – Much – Pain.

  

She knew she had competition…

She didn’t give up easily though,

She had a spirit of a fighting tiger.

When dawn fell,

She tried everything she could in her power

Before both arms of the clock,

Stood upright like your cock. 

So shocked by her gesture

(especially when she dropped down on her knees and did the same thing that I do, that you love)

You didn’t even warn her when you were about to cum.

You just left your kids to swim to the back of her gums…

 

Drowning in your insecure subconscious, you couldn’t help but blurt out 

 

“WHO IS HE? I KNOW YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME.” 

 

Because when one is guilty,

They can’t help but shift the blame when given a chance.

              

She doesn’t even bother answering your question.

Instead she asks you

If you noticed the fake smile on her lips?

The forced laugh she has adapted to?

And the way she no longer cares about those she used to love?

And how misery now fits her happiness like a glove?

 

But none the less,

As our relationship grows deeper,

I see no signs of you leaving her.

Silent frustration begins to kick in.

I begin to wonder what’s so special about her…

Why can’t you just walk away?

I couldn’t help but become obsessed with her.

Stalking her network, more than I did your page,

Tryna figure out her net worth.

Because I could clearly see that you wanted to be with me.    

 

I could have gotten affirmation from

Other guys that actually wanted to be with me,

But instead,

I considered the opinions of the boys beside me,

Tryna get inside me.    

 

The pain of loving you; The Forbidden Fruit was,

It didn’t matter to me

That you treated me like a Princess at the table,

And a Mistress between the sheets,

It just made me feel a lil shit that you never held my hand in public…

 

Thing is…

I know what your girl is going through,

Because I’m just a reincarnated version of her.

I’m all the best bits with none of the stress. 

Reality and fantasy, both in indestress, 

Because at my lowest?

Someone once told me to drop the good act…

That I can get into relationships with men,

If I really wanted them.

I just have to deal with the fact that I might not be the only one. 

I know I’ve been side-chicked once upon a time,

But I was the accidental kind,

I hadn’t done my homework,

I failed to see that the one I thought was the one

Had many other ones.

I settled for his vague answers,

And didn’t probe that much.  

I just wanted to know

How it feels like being on the other side of the sheet.

I must admit,

I still feel cheap.

If it’ isn’t scraps of love,

It’s second hand lust I receive.

I had my heart open,

Like a church on Sunday.

My legs parted for this guy,

Like the Red Sea did for Moses.

 

All I ever got were empty promises,

A dozen roses

And cheap oil based perfume

That smelled like a Damsel in distress.

 

So I stopped chasing monogamous commitment,

And started taking whatever I could get,

Even if it meant being second best. 

 

i battle with the self-esteem issues.

I place myself in positions where i readily and greedily accept less than l deserve.

Sadly, my mindset has adapted to these situations.

 

Day by day,

I console myself with the thought that you really want to be with me,

You’re just thoughtful enough to break it down to your girl gently and at the right time and I understand that all this takes time. . .

♥ Kamiz

L(US)T

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Can I kiss you,

To remind you of all the shit you deserve?      

Can our lips find each other,

Whenever we’re lost for words?

 

Can your mind seduce me onto you, 

Wthout saying a word?  

 

Does the back of your mind Memorise my moans,     

Like I memorise your every groan?

And if you kiss my neck,

I guarentee you, you will not leave this room unfucked.

But all the shit and wreckless halla’ring

Just left you out of luck,

Because in the darkness-

The truth lurks. 

Your touch takes me back to our first erection,

Now I realised it was our only connection.  

Your “I love you” just a mere representation. 

 

No strings attached were the colours of our relation.

 

Only thing deep about about it

Was penetration.

♥ Kamiz

The HARDEST Thing

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 “I love you”

Comes rushing out your mouth

While your babies hit the walls of the latex.

I’m thinking of all the things I used to do with my late ex.

And how we would’ve settled down and had our two babies by now.

Im here tryna work up an excuse to leave,

But I can’t,  because my knees were made too weak.

I know I promised to stay the night.

But your emotional outburst just opted me to leave.   

 

So I…

Go on my knees,

Give you one last blow

And reflect on all the good times we had…

On the counter,

In the car, shower,

Ohh and between your boys sheets.

Then I realise that I spoiled you with  consistency,

I know I left you confused.

No strings attached,  

All tangled up,

With the knot you wont let loose.

I realise that I messed up,

When I let you hit it one more time.

 

Now im feeling like your dealer,

You got your cards on the table,  

I’m willing to commit,

But im not able,

Because I’m wild like a dark horse.

Emotionally, I’m unavailable.

Connection, undeniable.

Occurrences, memorable.

Thought of ending it all, unbearable.

♥ Kamiz

Why I’m Not Into Relationships

By nature, 
I’m not an emotional being.
Through birth, 
I never had a father.
Through life, 
I lost my grandfather,
The only man I looked up to.

Now here I am,
Behind a great wall,
One I won’t put down,
Or let anyone in…
I barely get out,
But when eventually do,
I’m in a cocoon.
Hoping no-one will get too close
Or invade my personal bubble.

Longing for love & affection… 

In a distance.

I know it’s Impossible,
That it just can’t be.
But bitchy & demanding. 
That’s just me.

So I guess I’m cold &
Occasionally mean.
I find it so hard to open up & Be free.
Free to fall. 
& Free to love.
Free. To. Fall. In. Love.

I’m Scared, 
Afraid &
Ashamed…
Yes Ashamed,
I got so much emptiness in my heart.
No amount of words & love can fill it up..

I don’t want someone to give me their heart,
Because I know for a FACT I won’t give them Mine!
I’m scared I’ll hurt them…
I’m scared they’ll go all-out
To give me All of them,
When I won’t even give them a piece of me.
When they show me affection,
I’ll give them the cold shoulder…
I don’t want to be that person they’ll remember for breaking their heart,
Or making them wait,
I DON’T wanna be that Person!

So don’t worry about me…
I’ll be fine.
I’ve been going on like this for all my life.
20 years, pretty impressive, huh?
I’ve managed to survive.
It’s never killed me.
Although I occasionally cry.
I’m still here.
I’m still breathing.
I think I’m Still Alive…

I’m NOT Selfish.
I’m Selfless.
I’m putting your happiness before mine
Can’t you see?
I’ve been hurt before.
I know how it feels…

I know whatever happens,
My heart will land up hurt & damaged
& I’ll probably have no say in it,
Because I won’t have any control…
I’ll have to pick up 
The pieces that I can &
Feel sorry for myself
.S.O.R.R.Y.
But I’m not down for that…

I’ve learned the hard way.
I’ve learned that People leave you when you need them most…
Don’t even try convincing me otherwise!

My dad was never there when I
Sat up,
Spoke,
Crawled,
Walked,
Or even when I started school…
I’ve always acted like it never phased me…
That I didn’t really care,
But the truth of the matter is…
I did!
& I still do!

I keep Repeating it,
Over & 
Over & 
Over again…
So I guess it is true…
I’m hurting inside
No in fact,
I’m fcuking hurt!!!!

The one Man who’s suppose to help me guard my heart,
Keeps on breaking it unknowingly….
I’m left here to pick up the pieces,
Like a father should after his daughters 1st heartbreak…

All I really want from my dad is love & moments to share.
Not his money.
I don’t think I’m asking for much.
I’m patiently waiting to receive his love & time
So that I don’t have to keep this guard up.
I’m tired of fighting the emotions I have for people,
Because my heart refuses to commit.

I still find it hard to go to bed… 
Sometimes 
I just can’t sleep through this pain…
It hurts…
It hurts soo bad.
Nobody gets to see it because
When I wake up, 
I face the world with a smile, 
A pair of Shades,
& a mean catwalk,
Just to cover the hurt from last night. 

So I’m gonna be honest with you…
I’m not looking for pain.
I’m not looking for suffering.
I’m not looking for heartbreak.
But most of all, I’m Not looking for LOVE…

♥ Kamiz

Suicide

Pen as Razor
Paper as Skin
Writing across my arm
Just for the thrill

Emotion as blood
As I let it all pour out
Hope one day they’ll see.

My poem as Life
I wanna do it right
Pen please don’t fail me..

Posting-It-Up as Death
It’s finally out
Hoping they’ll remember me…

Now the whole world gets to see…
My pain
My suffering
The tears that I’ve cried
& how hope almost failed me.

This paper was gonna be read by the person who would’ve been a second too late to save my life…
But instead this paper saved me…

I no longer hold onto the pain
I jus grab a pen
I’m able to write my problems away…
Cut it up!
Burn it!
Stab it!
Do whatever want…

This is a story about how poetry saved my life…

♥ Kamiz