Sometimes I find myself at the wrong place, at the right time, doing the right things…

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14/03/2016

My heart has taken a lot of blows in one month alone
It’s too heavy to carry
I just pounce around like I’m unaffected 

convincing myself nothing is wrong

I wake up and all I can think is
“I fasted- my faith should be stronger than ever…

Things of the flesh will not affect me.”
So I don’t bother unpacking my tears 

And I don’t allow myself to feel the tides brush up on cheeks.
But there’s always that one moment where you choke, and oxygen becomes hard to swallow 
That moment of release feels so so sweet

Where all facial fluids release, 

where exhaling occurs after every short 5-8 inhales 

And everything about crying feels so damn good…

You don’t want to stop –

Just like the bad things don’t.

I dream your dreams and I sweat your nightmares. This is what you are to me.

Scandal
“You Got Served”

It was simple Monday evening, innocently binging on one of my favorite Series…

I’ll be honest, Cyrus is one of my least favorite characters; I see a greedy, power hungry pig that hides behind mighty powers, so you should understand when I say I was deeply moved by Cyrus when he said “I dream your dreams and I sweat your nightmares. This is what you are to me…” And I couldn’t help but somehow relate, those words truly gripped me. 

It’s crazy how he could recall what many would describe as insignificant moments. Cyrus expresses how he has been abused by Fritz to merely save his own skin on numerous occasions of which he effortlessly discloses. He accuses Fitz of not remembering the name of his mother. 

There was so much pain, passion and liberation in his eyes. That statement, (I emphasize that it gripped) because that is exactly what it did. Parts of me could relate, parts of me long for that liberation- that freedom that he effortlessly swallowed, I long for that, and I know many women who long for that freedom too. His entire dialogue was purely amazing, I just had to share it bellow.

“I dream your dreams and I sweat your nightmares. This is what you are to me. And what am I to you? I am the man to be thrown on the grenade and the guy you use and abuse and toss out and try desperately to reel back in to save you one more time. That is what I am to you. That is all you know about me. If I left this room, you wouldn’t even remember I was here, but I could tell you everything you said, the color of your shirt, the part of your hair. I can look in your eyes and know how you slept the night before. I know exactly how many times you mispronounced a single word in a debate 17 years ago, and you couldn’t tell me my mother’s name. I know why we’re sitting
here… to fill in this Olivia Pope masterpiece. I get a job, some job. You get to keep yours. We all march forward into glory. All is forgotten. That’s the deal on the table, and I’m not going to take it. Because this band is never, ever getting back together. I do not need this. [Scoffs] I do not need you. Not anymore. ” 

– Cyrus 

Seasons 5 Edpisode 5

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desire, does not, equate to being valued

Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you”.

something to tell

value5

what I never
learned
from my mother
was that
just because
someone desires you
does
not mean they value you.
desire is the kind of thing that
eats you
and
leaves you starving.

“Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you”.

Read it over.

Again.

“Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you”.

Let these words seep deep through you, through your veins, your bones, and settle, albeit uncomfortably, in your mind.

These are the colours of your self-esteem.

I encourage you to do so because these are profound and meaningful words from a wonderful poet/artist, Nayyirah Waheed. And with anything profound, you need to read it more than once for once is never enough.  Read it a hundred times if you can. And if you can, leave some space between each reading, as each time a different word or phrase will…

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