Day 41: Silence

Some days I don’t write because I’m hurting.

And that’s been the case for the past 12 days.

Other days I don’t write because I’m so overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts which I force myself do deal with.

So please, excuse my silence, because during these moments, I have no desire to go on.

The pain drains me and pulls me away from confronting my demons and the pen.

I’m so grateful to those who remind me that I am not alone, that they too, are hurting and healing. I truly appreciate you all for reaching out.

During this time of silence, I’ve learned that healing is such a painful process.

Opening up to yourself, and identifying your own toxic traits which you’ve force fed yourself and having no one else to blame but yourself is daunting.

Learning to not only identify your toxic habits, but to make a conscious decision to unlearn them and actually follow through is a mammoth task.

But I owe it to myself and the people whom I wish to be surrounded by.

To those healing and hurting:

Remember, a healing journey is not an overnight stay; it is a process, and it’s often painful.

It’s a journey worth working through, feel free to pull to the side, as often as needed to care for your wounds, healing your heart with other broken parts of you is okay.

Day 29: Becoming

Life always begins with becoming rather than finding.

Dating is not about finding the right person for your life.

Marriage is not about finding the perfect man or woman.

Day 28: Binging on Christ

I dedicated yesterday to seeking God’s face.

I read a number of plans and scriptures on my Bible App that touched and moved me deeply.

All relevant to various areas of my life, but most importantly my spiritual pigsty.

Throughout the day of constantly seeking, knocking, praying and listening, I came across The spiritual warfare battle plan, a 5 Day Plan on my Bible app.

I decided to share this because throughout my journey, I was truly amazed at how people responded to my journey.

Many of us are hurting, yearning and healing.

I truly pray that this speaks to you like it did to me.

Below, I’ve shared an Excerpts that truly spoke to me each day:

Day1: Keep this truth in mind: the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Every demon has the same mission. How they go about it—their strategies and tactics—are different. A spirit of fear attacks your faith, for example, while a spirit of rejection attacks your identity. Satan is strategic. His army is highly organized, and he is sending specific spirits against believers to derail them from their kingdom purpose.

Day 2: The spirit of Jezebel seeks to seduce and often works through teaching and prophecy. This spirit seduces the saints into idolatry and immorality. This spirit may use control and manipulation to do it, but ultimately that’s not the end game. Jezebel’s end game is murder. The wages of sin is death, and Jezebel leads people into sin.

I further studied the spirit of Jezebel.

Turns out that the Jezebel spirit is one of Satan’s higher-ranking, more intelligent demons if not the smartest kind of demon he has in his kingdom.

Below are some further studies:

Part 1: What is the Jezebel Spirit

Part 2: The Ways in Which the Jezebel Spirit Will Operate

Another enlightening read:

Day 3: Prayer-Father, in the name of Jesus I come to You repenting of giving in to feelings of fear. I rebuke the spirit of fear that is working to entrap me, steal my faith, rob my peace, and otherwise riddle me with anxiety, in Christ’s name. I choose faith, trust, and love. I fear and trust the Lord only, in the name of the Christ. Amen.

Day 4: Bitterness is deadly. Over time, bitterness will defile our spirits and dull our ability to sense the presence of God or hear His voice. If you are mad at God, be honest with Him. Give Him your anger, and He will turn that anger into peace and a greater revelation of His sovereignty if you will let Him.

I was also moved by the prayer:

Lord, I choose to forgive those who hurt me, offended me, abused me, despitefully used me, or wronged me. Help me, Lord, to recognize the enemy’s strategy to trap me in resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Help me not to hold people’s sins against them. Teach me to avoid responding with a judgmental heart when I am hurting. Heal my emotions and renew a right spirit within me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Day 5: Breaking the power of vicious circles is often a matter of making better choices, but when it’s a demonic cycle you need to identify the imaginations and wrong thought patterns that are allowing wicked spirits to wreak havoc on your life. 

Go forth, spiritual warrior, with praise in your heart and prayer on your lips, dressed for battle. The battle belongs to the Lord, and the devil will flee seven ways. He has no choice when you submit yourself to God and resist him. No demon in hell is stronger than a will aligned with the Word of God. God’s grace floods the soul that seeks first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.

-I’m so glad that I’ve been focusing on old habits and patterns to find healing. A part of me felt like I was wasting my time, another party of me didn’t even want to dig deeper, in fear of numerous things.

There is so much power in identifying your patterns and what thoughts you break into when certain events or human encounters occur.

Be mindful of where you mind wonders off to when you’re left alone with your own thoughts.

Be mindful of where your mind wonders off to in the presence of certain people and occurrences.

Don’t foolishly allow your imagination to whisk itself off with pieces of you and your faith, only to replace them with doubt and fear.

Be mindful and vigilant.

Always guard your thoughts and faith.

Day 24: Seeking

It’s hard to follow your heart when it leads you to a place where your love isn’t reciprocated with effort.

It’s draining because you land up depleting yourself all in the name of love and love should never feel like that.

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked:

Let’s say now you meet someone who is willing to do anything you desire BUT you feel jack for them then the one you love wholeheartedly does not much as the other but your heart bleeds for them

My response was:

I’m at a point where I’m redefining love for myself.

And I wouldn’t want that contaminated with what I think love is because my love habits have been very toxic in the past and I’ve been attracted to people who cannot reciprocate the efforts of my love. It’s exhausting

Because of that, I would rather be alone or in desire because won’t feel emotionally obligated to give it my all.

I have literally made myself uncomfortable in the name of seeking love.

Fuck, I gave up the best sex of life, to seek Self and Love, because I owe myself, love.

P.S. I’ve been having a little network trouble. Farmgirl problems 😅

Day 23: Love is not Potential

I recently came across one of my many dream journals and WOW, I’ve always been ambitious and driven. This is undoubtedly what I’ve always loved about me.

And in this particular Journal, dated 17 May 2013, I wrote remarkable quotes throughout the seminar from individuals whom I’d consider heavy weights like Phuti Mahanyele, Tony Gaskins & Timothy Webster. I was moved by every single word that was said which I managed to capture in the form of memorable Quotes.

Gosh, five years later and I’m still in awe and equally overwhelmed that I was in the same room as these remarkable people.

I was inspired, ready to take on the world and all It’s challenges yet somehow, five years later, I’m still somewhat in the same space. Don’t get me wrong, spiritually, I’ve matured, drastically, Academically, I’ve graduated, Career wise, I became partner within a year. Yet I haven’t attained a fraction of what 2013 year old me desired, simply because I haven’t bothered to tap into my potential.

Okay, Now back to love. If 2013 year old me had gotten married to me, and seen what I’ve done within these five years, we’d probably be getting a divorce, if we hadn’t already. She’d be frustrated out of her mind, because I haven’t explored my burning potential to date.

And this is pretty much what happens in Relationships. People are attracted to potential. “Let’s Build together”.

A wedding, being cement and all necessary building materials, however throughout the marriage, no foundation is being built.

And the frustration begins to kick in, but truth is you didn’t marry a Civil Engineer, nor is he or she a brick layer or any remotely close to a construction worker. Only a dreamer… [but wait! There’s more] with potential.

Okay… I’m probably losing you now.

To wrap this up, stop seeking potential, what is it that they are bringing to the table consistently? Is it easy on your pallet? And are you able to stomach it? If not, you’re probably at the wrong table.

Are they making excuses for what they are unable to bring to the table and dangle a carrot to merely string you along to empty nothings?

Or perhaps the perhaps the person I’m referring to is not your partner but actually you.

Introspect and be honest with yourself,

Dig deep.

Be vulnerable

& transparent.

Love is not potential.

I repeat.

Love is not potential.