Day 27: My own words failed me

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Day 25: Staying

Sometimes we’re so focused on falling in love, that we are very uneducated on staying in love. Steven Furtick

I suppose there’s a reason why fairy tales end when love finally finds itself and is meant to begin…

Day 24: Seeking

It’s hard to follow your heart when it leads you to a place where your love isn’t reciprocated with effort.

It’s draining because you land up depleting yourself all in the name of love and love should never feel like that.

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked:

Let’s say now you meet someone who is willing to do anything you desire BUT you feel jack for them then the one you love wholeheartedly does not much as the other but your heart bleeds for them

My response was:

I’m at a point where I’m redefining love for myself.

And I wouldn’t want that contaminated with what I think love is because my love habits have been very toxic in the past and I’ve been attracted to people who cannot reciprocate the efforts of my love. It’s exhausting

Because of that, I would rather be alone or in desire because won’t feel emotionally obligated to give it my all.

I have literally made myself uncomfortable in the name of seeking love.

Fuck, I gave up the best sex of life, to seek Self and Love, because I owe myself, love.

P.S. I’ve been having a little network trouble. Farmgirl problems 😅

Day 23: Love is not Potential

I recently came across one of my many dream journals and WOW, I’ve always been ambitious and driven. This is undoubtedly what I’ve always loved about me.

And in this particular Journal, dated 17 May 2013, I wrote remarkable quotes throughout the seminar from individuals whom I’d consider heavy weights like Phuti Mahanyele, Tony Gaskins & Timothy Webster. I was moved by every single word that was said which I managed to capture in the form of memorable Quotes.

Gosh, five years later and I’m still in awe and equally overwhelmed that I was in the same room as these remarkable people.

I was inspired, ready to take on the world and all It’s challenges yet somehow, five years later, I’m still somewhat in the same space. Don’t get me wrong, spiritually, I’ve matured, drastically, Academically, I’ve graduated, Career wise, I became partner within a year. Yet I haven’t attained a fraction of what 2013 year old me desired, simply because I haven’t bothered to tap into my potential.

Okay, Now back to love. If 2013 year old me had gotten married to me, and seen what I’ve done within these five years, we’d probably be getting a divorce, if we hadn’t already. She’d be frustrated out of her mind, because I haven’t explored my burning potential to date.

And this is pretty much what happens in Relationships. People are attracted to potential. “Let’s Build together”.

A wedding, being cement and all necessary building materials, however throughout the marriage, no foundation is being built.

And the frustration begins to kick in, but truth is you didn’t marry a Civil Engineer, nor is he or she a brick layer or any remotely close to a construction worker. Only a dreamer… [but wait! There’s more] with potential.

Okay… I’m probably losing you now.

To wrap this up, stop seeking potential, what is it that they are bringing to the table consistently? Is it easy on your pallet? And are you able to stomach it? If not, you’re probably at the wrong table.

Are they making excuses for what they are unable to bring to the table and dangle a carrot to merely string you along to empty nothings?

Or perhaps the perhaps the person I’m referring to is not your partner but actually you.

Introspect and be honest with yourself,

Dig deep.

Be vulnerable

& transparent.

Love is not potential.

I repeat.

Love is not potential.

Day 22: Love has Triggers

Every time I felt rejected by love, I had an escape.

And I was unaware.

It finally hit me in the midst of me getting lost in my own thoughts; the triggers I’d resort to… it struck me so deep, I literally broke down.

See, every time I felt disappointed or rejected by a particular loved on, I’d subconsciously act out. It was sad, because until that moment, I never knew I had a bad habit.

I wasn’t aware that subconsciously, I’d get triggered and act out. When I came to this realization, I was deeply torn.

Not only was I rejected and hurt, it led me to expose myself to more hurt

What I’m trying to say is, sometimes these triggers can be painfully dangerous.

Next time you feel Hurt, Rejected or Betrayed by love or a loved one, take a moment to reflect, how do you respond subconsciously to that hurt.

That hurt could come in the form of a person, event or action.

What unhealthy triggers do experience?

Do you drink or spring clean, resort to sex or retail therapy?

Know your triggers.

By knowing what your triggers are, you restore and build so much power in the manner in which you will be capable of loving

Truth is, When I don’t feel loved, I relapse.

Day 20: Uprooted

It’s of utmost importance to be aware of your childhood,

There’s a subconscious link to the type of lovers you attract.

A subconscious link to triggers and bad habits.

A link to how you respond to certain situations.

We love along grooves formed in our childhood.

Through Life, we recreate feelings of love we knew when we were young.

Our psychological history, predisposes us to fall for certain type of people.

Truth is, we were force feed whatever love that was given to us when we were young, until we were capable of feeding ourselves our own definition.

And it’s unfortunate that some aspects of love that we’ve grown to know aren’t only cemented in, but are actually part of the foundation.

And knowing that you have to tear yourself apart from the root just to learn your own ‘healthier’ is painful.

Just earlier, my mom and I were having a conversation. A year ago, I would have easily sided with her without even flinching, but instead it turned into a fruitful debate.

I say this because, I had not only embodied her ideology of love, I had remolded it to be own without even being aware.

And now that I’m growing conscious of the intensity and complexity of my own love, I’m slowly learning how to articulate it and implement it in my own life.

I’m Redefining my own love.

Day 19: Truth

I’ve reflected on my Love Redefined series so far and learned that I robbed myself deeply.

I’ve been too scared to articulate my pain, I realized that I’ve literally scratched various surfaces in the hopes of finding solace, only to drown my thoughts in confusion.

Truth is, the only pieces I can fully relate to is Value, Love Letter, 4am & Silent Prayer.

I’m scared to dig deep because that means dragging childhood monsters that have now grown into emotional strongholds, triggering habits, unhealthy patterns and toxic relationships.

It also means hurting the ones that I love with honesty and confrontation. Admitting and accepting that they actually hurt me, instead of merely sweeping the pain under the carpet.

Because ultimately, that pain translates to other avenues get released in the form of miscommunication, poor decisionmaking, turning down love and feeling inadequate in love.