words deployed during the hardest of times, when butterflies and tongue ties wouldn’t allow me to let you know how I feel… they don’t even bother to last long enough to form a sentence.
If you’re going to choose me,
Choose me because you genuinely want me,
Not because you’re scared of seeing me in the arms of another man.
I’ve grown found of affection, Something which has always been foreign to me.
There’s something that feelings so homely about a pillow with a beating heart….
Blanket that resignates with body heat…
And calm breaths that scream “HOME”
This moment is so precious to me.
Conscious of the energy we feeding the moment
Too tired to sleep
Nurturing warmth between the sheets.
I love being held,
And I’m no longer ashamed to confess that,
I no longer associate my emotional fulfilment with weakness.
Creating memories that refuse to be forgotten beyond the pain caused
I am needy because I’m human and I deserve to be held.
My heart has taken a lot of blows in one month alone
It’s too heavy to carry
I just pounce around like I’m unaffected
convincing myself nothing is wrong
I wake up and all I can think is
“I fasted- my faith should be stronger than ever…
Things of the flesh will not affect me.”
So I don’t bother unpacking my tears
And I don’t allow myself to feel the tides brush up on cheeks.
But there’s always that one moment where you choke, and oxygen becomes hard to swallow
That moment of release feels so so sweet
Where all facial fluids release,
where exhaling occurs after every short 5-8 inhales
And everything about crying feels so damn good…
You don’t want to stop –
Just like the bad things don’t.
I don’t thank God enough.
I don’t celebrate myself enough.
Waiting on the sun to sleep
I allow my clothes to grace my ankles.
I turn on the shower –
Grab a wine glass and make it less hollow.
Slip into the shower with the the sole purpose of scrubbing my soul clean from anything a that is not me.
In pursuit of nothing less than self intimacy
Longing to be intimate with myself, and only me.
Hot waters hit my back,
hot vapors hit the ceiling,
dancing in the air,
graciously existing my body,
Stripping away characters that remain long after the person leaves.
Long after the pain.
Finally allowing me to enjoy my company..
My body now feels like home to me.
Laying naked, un ashamed of baring my flaws.
At this point, I am aware that nobody matters more than me.
I get cosy with no intention of touching myself, but rather to invite myself and let myself know me more.
Reintroducing myself to my scars.
Identifying features beyond intertwined branches, drawn from places much deeper – rooted trees in the soil.