Troubled boy…

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So it seems

Nobody wants a troubled boy,
I learned to leave alone the troubled boy.

I spent the longest time trying to figure him out,

Even wrote a poem, in hopes of decoding his life.

I get that he was a troubled boy with a heart that needed healing,
He thought he get rid of it through sexual healing
Almost like it’s heaven sent,
Then sent back to hell again.
His demons won’t stop screaming,
His angels don’t whisper loud enough, &
His silence doesn’t offer healing.

You need to realise that I never promised him I’d stay, I recall saying that I would to be patient.

I’m pretty sure you realise that I don’t chase… but with him I was pacing.

With hearts that are hidden behind blinds, maybe we just need to accept that, I am not his and he is not mine.
 
I’m pretty sure he was about to teach me how to fall in love without using a rule book or focusing on time.

But in essence, he taught me how letting go is a process that may not always take time… 

I showed him a fraction of himself through my eyes, and he helplessly showed me a reflection of a fragile broken boy, who shows the world a completely different side.

Yet somehow I still saw the best in him, patiently waited for his best to show through, but learned that some miracles never come true.

I’ll just pray for 21 days of strength to kick out bad habits. Change my patterns and ways to erase you out of my memories and subconscious. 

I just want to pick up my phone and not think of you. Go passed your name and not have the urge to call you.
I want to be able to see anything remotely related to you and not be moved.

I hope one day your heart is capable of loving someone back with every bit of good it has buried deep within it.

I’ll eventually deal with the wasted time.
I’ll finally accept the fact that you were never mine.
I’ll admit. I was too foolish to see the  signs and
Too blind to read between the lines…

♥ Kamiz

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Already 6ft Under

Perhaps the death of my aunt made me completely stop believing in forever.
I swear you never know death until it discreetly enters your home and slowly destroys the one thing you love the most.

I swear I saw him drag the life out of her eyes.
That scumbag spat on her like wild mushrooms had already viciously covered her decomposed body.                                       
I could no longer feel her touch.
Her kisses where just dust.               
Death was robust in her bones.  
Her lust for life, was as hard as stone.

I would constantly feel wings brushing my side and my back.
Smell her scent, look around but find her 20 metres away just laying on her back watching her life wither away.

It was fucked up how he left her with her heart beating.
How dare he take her soul and leave me with a lifeless body.
Ahhh man, death is the devil himself.

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♥ Kamiz

Did you even like me…

Sometimes i wish what never killed me actually did… like my lips, i wonder how you never managed to taste insecurities and words i never let slipped out when we kissed. Remember when i told you, you gave me butterflies? What i had meant was the butterflies in my stomach are more like cocoons and that they had the same idea as you when it came to waiting for the right time to bloom. You’re probably going to break my heart and i’m probably going to let you, but i will hold onto you like the father i had to watch leave, i will hold onto until it hurts… your ribcage will feel like it’s caving in and at the verge of digging into your heart. i’m haunted by the nights in bed where i was holding you & you were holding a grudge. What’s the exchange rate on an unforgettable memory? Do I have to burn every place that can recall me slowly falling for you?

♥ Kamiz

Rose Petals & Bruises

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Rose petals & bruises

Love hurts when we lose it 

Deep cuts, black & blue skin

I can’t hide from what the truth is 

I won’t lie, in love? I stay losing

I finally know what colour maroon is 

Because it’s been lingering on my thin skin.

When I close my eyes, he flashes

Coming at me with a full fist & tongue lashes

I wish I could no longer be in love with him

But shooting stars won’t grant it 

I wish I had never fallen in love with him

But fate had already planned it.

I’m hiding from my lover.

Steady chilling in the kitchen counter 

Because he’ll probably hit me with a tennis racket

I never thought a sophisticated girl like me would be involved in a love that’s ratchet.

“I’m sorry I made you angry”

My head hurts…

What happened?

I was hoping one day, I’d tell my kids a beautiful story about what love is,

But he kicked me so hard in my ovaries, so I doubt that will happen.

Then he grabs my arm 

Bending me over 

Annihilating my body sexually.

Then he looks at me 

With a dirty smile

Saying “baby you know I love you, never leave me, please believe me”.

♥ Kamiz

Suicide

Pen as Razor
Paper as Skin
Writing across my arm
Just for the thrill

Emotion as blood
As I let it all pour out
Hope one day they’ll see.

My poem as Life
I wanna do it right
Pen please don’t fail me..

Posting-It-Up as Death
It’s finally out
Hoping they’ll remember me…

Now the whole world gets to see…
My pain
My suffering
The tears that I’ve cried
& how hope almost failed me.

This paper was gonna be read by the person who would’ve been a second too late to save my life…
But instead this paper saved me…

I no longer hold onto the pain
I jus grab a pen
I’m able to write my problems away…
Cut it up!
Burn it!
Stab it!
Do whatever want…

This is a story about how poetry saved my life…

♥ Kamiz