AIDS Is No Stranger To Me

I remember coming home one afternoon and they had casually said “Elton is no more”

[Elton was my friend 

A little boy who lived next door]

See, I knew it was inevitable 

I knew that it was gonna happen 

But I just didn’t understand 

He was 12

He was my friend

He had done nothing…

He had done nothing wrong 
Some days he was full of life

Other days he couldn’t come out to play.

On those days, I resented his parents for breeding …

Giving birth to a ticking time bomb.
He lived with his Mom, Dad and Little Brother 

In a small four walled house.

A house where death was no stranger.

He had lost his dad at first.

A man with a beautiful soul.

Then a newly born brother 

Whom we didn’t get to see grow-

Those four walls eventually covered his screams.
One day we were playing at the washing line,

And he had told me that some day soon, he’s going to die

I was in disbelief 

Because death and youth synonymously, we’re unbeknown to me.
It wasn’t long until his mom moved on to another 

I’d hear my friend’s screams land on my window seal

The new dad took pleasure in teaching my friend a lesson.

And in those same very four walls

Another little brother was conceived.

I couldn’t help but think that

She enjoyed watching her loved ones suffer and wither away. 

I was pissed 

I was mad

I think she secretly enjoyed giving birth to ticking time bombs.

Again, I just didn’t understand.

But there was one thing I saw in her eyes…

And it was Survival.

She was hungry to live and be provided for 

Not matter what the cost…
Wed 18 May 2016

I am sitting on my bed, a little over 12 years finally Mourning my friend’s loss…

Advertisements
Quote

Why is the devil so father-phobic?

“The devil has been trying to expunge every image that represents a loving faithful fathers from our culture. But why is the devil so father -phobic? Because he know that if  he can continue to destroy Galilee, through broken dads, it will keep us from discovering that there is a heavenly Father who can turn the fatherless into a family of His beloved ones ” 


-Ed Tandy McGlasson 

The Father You’ve Always Wanted 
What a beautiful book. 

Crutch

I loved you, when you were most broken.
Prayed every night, that you would be healed as sunrise awakens,
But every day, you would awaken,
With more and more breathes taken.

I see how pain radiates through your smile.
Knowing that your feet won’t walk a mile, without a crutch.
Eyes oblivious, to what was already seen.
Mind breaks between intervals of time  and space, while experiencing numbness.

And in between prayers of your healing and opening my eyes and seeing you,
I’d sit and think…
“Would I ever do this this for a another living being?”
I put so much time and energy just to watch you slowly wither away…

It pained me to see how you slept on promises molded in yesterday’s pain.
How touch, was the only emotion left,
The only thing you felt.

After all the support and love I selflessly handed to you
Your soul didn’t even have the decency to remain.
The same pillow you rested your legs on, now nest my tears.

Frustrated by how much I loved you, when you couldn’t even have the strength to love yourself.

The intensity of trust heightened, when I held you up, with my shoulder hosting your hand.

Realsing that you really had no where to run.
Forced to engage in more meaningful conversations that opened you up and left you vulnerable.

I valued our conversations.
They helped me understand that small talk will never be the root of deep conversations.
I now vow to never be mesmerised by talk that’s cheap.

Your love stories showed me the epitome of romance.
Through your eyes, I saw the life of a slow dance…

        In Memory of Matshidiso Mopai.
                    31 October 2004

♥ Kamiz

When I Became A Man – Caleb Jones

When I became a man
I put away childish things
But before I became a man
I didn’t always fit the shoes of a King
I was a child trying to find his way
The toys I played with kept my eyes occupied
And left my eyes in a lustful boyish frenzy
My playmates had long legs, short skirts and soft skin
They cared enough to lie down and wallow with me often
Jezebel turned out to be my very best friend
I’d look in her eyes before ever seeing the sunrise
Every time I paid her a visit and slept in

Before I became a man
I saw how God made Adam from dust
So likewise I tried to make love out of lust
I didn’t know any better
I was taught by example
“Let your mouth spit game, but never let your heart say much, ”
I treated his daughters like beauty pageant contestants
There would be zero return on their investments
Proverbs 31 was never a criterion for my selection
Keep in mind this was before I became a man

Before I became a man
I would unlock my curse and throw away the key
I allowed anger to set up a construction company inside
Bitterness never rested
It left no time wasted
Whether Father loved me or not
All I could regurgitate was hatred
I became allergic to showing any form of compassion

Before I became a man
I was much shorter
Not just in height but in spiritual insight
Because I never had a picture
Nor did Pixar ever have a film
Showing me what God’s man really looked like

But when I became man
Oh, When I became a man
I learned how to love Father God right back
Even though I’m good at falling short of the glory
I reflect on my story
Through my praise I’ll self publish a testimony

When I became a man
I learned how to cry
Because I’m not ashamed of my tears
Since I became a man
I’m not longer afraid of the dark
I’ll wrap my hands around James 5: 16
Confess, Pray, and Heal my Heart

I have discovered something
That there are medicinal qualities
Right down the corridor of introspection
When I became a man
I learned how to love her
My Esther, My Ruth
I learned how to honor her like she was Jesus’ mother
Because one day she’ll be pregnant
With the seed that will transport my legacy
So that my God and my name will both have longevity
Even after they bury me

I could not love her before
Because I was not able
My insecurities and my perfectionism had me
Looking in on the next best player
That was checking in at the scorer’s table
How could I possibly be her covering?
When I was an umbrella with holes in it
But I learned to love her like I ought to
Because I want Him to be my Father and my Father-in-law
Since that’s his daughter

When I became a man
I learned to love my brother
I’ll share my heart, my hug and my hallelujah
Because a hug and a hallelujah without my heart
Leaves room for his spirit to respond with “I never knew you”
I became a man so that when he became a man
He would know a man
Who picked up the gospel and put the toys away

When I became a man

Daddy Issues

Why do you teach these boys to impregnate us and leave, and
Bow down on their knees to pale white feet, like they can’t even stand us?

If you’re lucky enough to have one be a part of your life. You get handed a undeserved proclaimed title of “Crazy Baby Momma”.

They place their chocolate dipped Moms on Golden pedestals.
Forgetting that they too may have gone through the same stuggles, but they were’t around to see it.

Dads’ absence, in their lives made their Moms stronger.
All they see in their mothers, are feet that have been firmly planted on the ground.
But when it comes to their Baby Mommas, all they sees is a storm with skin on.
Just Damage.
Little did they know that she is damaged.
Little did they know that they caused the damage.

But they don’t get it.

They use every opportunity they can get to slander her and her sisters.
Crazy stupid bitches. Dark. Ugly.
Then puts their chocolate dipped daughters on the same golden pedestal they put their mothers on.

I don’t get it.

♥ Kamiz

Already 6ft Under

Perhaps the death of my aunt made me completely stop believing in forever.
I swear you never know death until it discreetly enters your home and slowly destroys the one thing you love the most.

I swear I saw him drag the life out of her eyes.
That scumbag spat on her like wild mushrooms had already viciously covered her decomposed body.                                       
I could no longer feel her touch.
Her kisses where just dust.               
Death was robust in her bones.  
Her lust for life, was as hard as stone.

I would constantly feel wings brushing my side and my back.
Smell her scent, look around but find her 20 metres away just laying on her back watching her life wither away.

It was fucked up how he left her with her heart beating.
How dare he take her soul and leave me with a lifeless body.
Ahhh man, death is the devil himself.

image

♥ Kamiz