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Emotion is not meant to feel like war

words deployed during the hardest of times, when butterflies and tongue ties wouldn’t allow me to let you know how I feel… they don’t even bother to last long enough to form a sentence.

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If you’re going to choose me,

Choose me because you genuinely want me,

Not because you’re scared of seeing me in the arms of another man.

AIDS Is No Stranger To Me

I remember coming home one afternoon and they had casually said “Elton is no more”

[Elton was my friend

A little boy who lived next door]

I didn’t know much about AIDS

But I knew that dirty word was Drenched in Death.

See, I knew it was inevitable

I knew that it was gonna happen

But I just didn’t understand.

He was 12,

He was my friend,

He had done nothing…

He had done nothing wrong!

Some days he was full of life

Other days he couldn’t come out to play.

On those days, I resented his parents for breeding …

Giving birth to a ticking time bomb.

He lived with his Mom, Dad and Little Brother

In a small four walled house.

A house where death was no stranger.

He had lost his dad at first.

A man with a beautiful soul.

Then a newly born brother

Whom we didn’t get to see grow;

Those four walls eventually covered his screams.

A few days later day we were playing at the washing line,

And he had told me that some day soon, he would follow.

I was in disbelief,

Because death and youth synonymously, we’re unbeknown to me.

It wasn’t long until his mom moved on to another lover

I’d hear my friend’s screams land on my window seal

The new dad took pleasure in teaching my friend a lesson.

And in those same very four walls

Another little brother was conceived.

I couldn’t help but think that

She enjoyed watching her loved ones suffer and wither away.

I was PISSED!

I was MAD!

I think she secretly enjoyed giving birth to ticking time bombs.

Again, I just didn’t understand.

But there was one thing I saw in her eyes…

And it was Survival.

She was hungry to live and be provided for

Not matter the cost…

Wed 18 May 2016

I am sitting on my bed, a little over 12 years finally Mourning my friend’s loss…

Vulnerability

I’ve grown found of affection, Something which has always been foreign to me.
There’s something that feelings so homely about a pillow with a beating heart….

Blanket that resignates with body heat…

And calm breaths that scream “HOME”
This moment is so precious to me.

Conscious of the energy we feeding the moment 

Too tired to sleep

Nurturing warmth between the sheets.
I love being held,

And I’m no longer ashamed to confess that,

I no longer associate my emotional fulfilment with weakness.
Creating memories that refuse to be forgotten beyond the pain caused
I am needy because I’m human and I deserve to be held.

I’ve overcome my vulnerability…

I wanted coffee…

A passionate history of empty promises.

In the chamber of moments never written.
I was waiting for you.
Your presence is perfume poured out-

No wonder I adored you so much.
I just wanted you to look at me like love.
And like a break from war, 

I accept you with open arms 

Just glad that you’re breathing again 

And glad that you’re whole.
Now I am everything depicting broken, because it is my heart that you stole.
Now here you are…
I am unable to feel my own hollow

Due to the illusion that that you make me whole.
Waking up next to you, with the smell of coffee brewing parallel to morning dust.
At this time, I am unable to differentiate between love and lust.
I’ve avoided so many potential heartbreaks

Yet I still want to face you heads on.

Upon preparation for this moment 

I specifically said I want coffee.

And not coffee in the morning.

But Coffee as a gesture, 

To show that you care…
Two full moons later,

I can’t help but feel like the fool….
All you had to do was show up.

I wasn’t looking for a grand gesture

Nothing bold

You just had to be there 
I just wanted coffee 
But truly, I wanted understanding 

How could someone bear so much 

With the intention of being wanted 

Turn around and not be wanted once I’ve dropped all my gaurds