Quote

You plant bad seeds, then decide to water, prune & nurture.

Don’t be amazed when it bares bad fruit.

– Kamogelo Mopai

♥ Kamiz

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Crush. . .

Crush, purely based on lust.
I fear that he won’t focus on us.
Put me on a pedestal, that never gathers dust.
Deep infactuation all based on the past.
Will he even notice that I’m not the same as I was?

Guess it’s just Me vs The Perception of  What Got His Heart Beating.
This is nothing like fighting with an ex he never imagined leaving.
It’ll be me that I’m fighting against, well a more perfect version of me.
Big shoes to fill or should I say little ones. Common facts about me, still quite the variable. Not knowing if he’ll notice which aspects of mine have changed and those which remain the same.
                                                         
Somehow fearing I won’t meet his expectations. Overlooking the fact that, in reality, my beauty has limitations.
He wakes up next to me, greeted by duffel bags, right under my eyes, that usually (if it was any other morning) come in handy when I pick up my morals and dignity which I  had dropped along side my red dress. But in this case, my eyes get greeted by glass slippers which he waited many years to slip on.

♥ Kamiz

I refuse to write out words
for a lover who
Has left their words  
On another woman’s bed. 

I won’t take me clothes off
For a man who doesn’t take time
To unmask all my mental layers
Before he reaches my bare skin.
                                                       
I no longer break my bones
To build a home
Made of locked doors          
Which heart breakers have the keys to.                                      
I will never bend over backwards
For a man who says
“I have your back”
While another woman
Digs her nails in his back.   
                                    
But I will never forget.
Not everybody who wants me,
Wants me to stay.

♥ Kamiz

I’m Sorry. . .

I’m sorry…
But my vagina isn’t a garage where
You can parallel park your insecurities.

Nor is it a place where you can validate your manhood and make certain your masculinity.    

I see how your face changes, when you see a woman filled with half your DNA standing on her swollen, barely movable feet.

I hear you whispering “I’m the Pull Out King Baby, don’t you worry about a thing” bullshit in my ear.

I feel your errect penis on my ass while we’re spooning, and how you keep repositioning it, so that it can brush the lips of my womanhood, thinking that it’s ideal place to rest your morning wood.

You better exhale the thought that lingers in your head that our bodies are Toys or a Wonderland.

NO!

We are wonderful creatures who are beautifully made.

I already knew the first time we kissed, that you are not somebody who ever intended to stay. . .

So No,
I am not sorry,
But I will tell you this.
My Vagina Is Not A Garage Where You Can Park Your Penis In Between

♥ Kamiz

Heartbreak. . .

Sometimes means giving your heart a break.

Sometimes you don’t feel it, because your heart is on a break.

Loving, is something that is sometimes to much for it to take.

Something that someone can never fake.
                                 
Sometimes used as lust’s bait.

Can easily turn into a bitter taste.

Created by someone who you now love to hate.                         

Sometimes it doesn’t discriminate.

Occasionally arriving late.

Something destined in everyone’s fate.

♥ Kamiz

The HARDEST Thing

image

 “I love you”

Comes rushing out your mouth

While your babies hit the walls of the latex.

I’m thinking of all the things I used to do with my late ex.

And how we would’ve settled down and had our two babies by now.

Im here tryna work up an excuse to leave,

But I can’t,  because my knees were made too weak.

I know I promised to stay the night.

But your emotional outburst just opted me to leave.   

 

So I…

Go on my knees,

Give you one last blow

And reflect on all the good times we had…

On the counter,

In the car, shower,

Ohh and between your boys sheets.

Then I realise that I spoiled you with  consistency,

I know I left you confused.

No strings attached,  

All tangled up,

With the knot you wont let loose.

I realise that I messed up,

When I let you hit it one more time.

 

Now im feeling like your dealer,

You got your cards on the table,  

I’m willing to commit,

But im not able,

Because I’m wild like a dark horse.

Emotionally, I’m unavailable.

Connection, undeniable.

Occurrences, memorable.

Thought of ending it all, unbearable.

♥ Kamiz

Why I’m Not Into Relationships

By nature, 
I’m not an emotional being.
Through birth, 
I never had a father.
Through life, 
I lost my grandfather,
The only man I looked up to.

Now here I am,
Behind a great wall,
One I won’t put down,
Or let anyone in…
I barely get out,
But when eventually do,
I’m in a cocoon.
Hoping no-one will get too close
Or invade my personal bubble.

Longing for love & affection… 

In a distance.

I know it’s Impossible,
That it just can’t be.
But bitchy & demanding. 
That’s just me.

So I guess I’m cold &
Occasionally mean.
I find it so hard to open up & Be free.
Free to fall. 
& Free to love.
Free. To. Fall. In. Love.

I’m Scared, 
Afraid &
Ashamed…
Yes Ashamed,
I got so much emptiness in my heart.
No amount of words & love can fill it up..

I don’t want someone to give me their heart,
Because I know for a FACT I won’t give them Mine!
I’m scared I’ll hurt them…
I’m scared they’ll go all-out
To give me All of them,
When I won’t even give them a piece of me.
When they show me affection,
I’ll give them the cold shoulder…
I don’t want to be that person they’ll remember for breaking their heart,
Or making them wait,
I DON’T wanna be that Person!

So don’t worry about me…
I’ll be fine.
I’ve been going on like this for all my life.
20 years, pretty impressive, huh?
I’ve managed to survive.
It’s never killed me.
Although I occasionally cry.
I’m still here.
I’m still breathing.
I think I’m Still Alive…

I’m NOT Selfish.
I’m Selfless.
I’m putting your happiness before mine
Can’t you see?
I’ve been hurt before.
I know how it feels…

I know whatever happens,
My heart will land up hurt & damaged
& I’ll probably have no say in it,
Because I won’t have any control…
I’ll have to pick up 
The pieces that I can &
Feel sorry for myself
.S.O.R.R.Y.
But I’m not down for that…

I’ve learned the hard way.
I’ve learned that People leave you when you need them most…
Don’t even try convincing me otherwise!

My dad was never there when I
Sat up,
Spoke,
Crawled,
Walked,
Or even when I started school…
I’ve always acted like it never phased me…
That I didn’t really care,
But the truth of the matter is…
I did!
& I still do!

I keep Repeating it,
Over & 
Over & 
Over again…
So I guess it is true…
I’m hurting inside
No in fact,
I’m fcuking hurt!!!!

The one Man who’s suppose to help me guard my heart,
Keeps on breaking it unknowingly….
I’m left here to pick up the pieces,
Like a father should after his daughters 1st heartbreak…

All I really want from my dad is love & moments to share.
Not his money.
I don’t think I’m asking for much.
I’m patiently waiting to receive his love & time
So that I don’t have to keep this guard up.
I’m tired of fighting the emotions I have for people,
Because my heart refuses to commit.

I still find it hard to go to bed… 
Sometimes 
I just can’t sleep through this pain…
It hurts…
It hurts soo bad.
Nobody gets to see it because
When I wake up, 
I face the world with a smile, 
A pair of Shades,
& a mean catwalk,
Just to cover the hurt from last night. 

So I’m gonna be honest with you…
I’m not looking for pain.
I’m not looking for suffering.
I’m not looking for heartbreak.
But most of all, I’m Not looking for LOVE…

♥ Kamiz