…because I’d rather be draped I my own ungodliness than somebody else’s.
I haven’t written for a very long time and I guess it’s because I’m still going through the many forms of hurt and pain and I don’t know how to express without actually hurting.
And I guess I also realised that people close to me go through my work and ask about it.
I Hate it.
I write because I don’t want to talk about it.
People don’t get that.
I remember why I actually started writing,
I had a lot of heaviness, I felt neglected and heavily betrayed by the only person I knew how to love the most.
I could have been many questionable things at that point of my life,
But I turned to my notebook.
Now here I am,
With somewhat of a trembling pen just trying to get my life together again
Because living half a life isn’t worth it anymore.
I just want to be
A L I V E
This is Chapter 2 of my life.
I don’t know why I’m writing this,
But it kinda feels good…
I know you’re somewhere out there
Probably reading this…
I’m assuming you’re a Stranger
Who probably knows nothing about me
Because for long, those closest to me didnt even know I write poetry.
So any judgments you make of me
Will be based on this poem,
Or perhaps the other poems I’ve written.
I like that!
I like how I can slightly control what you think of me.
Showing you my good,
Or what you may regard as My ugly.
I like the idea of you formulating your opinion about me, based on that alone.
I know this won’t make much sense…
But I truly appreciate you & your presence.
I appreciate you taking time off your busy life,
Just to read words that I’ve managed to rip off my chest,
Because those closest to me,
Those who swear they love me,
Just don’t have the time…
That’s what I like about you I guess
The fact that you’re here
Actually giving a damn about me,
Or at least leading me an ear…
At this very moment in time,
I can be anyone I want to be
Just to create the perfect first impression,
I choose to be myself.
I’d like to have a chance to be loved for who, I am for once.
Even if it’s just for a moment..
I may never feel it,
But that mere thought will keep me going.
Either way Stranger,
I thank you…
I thank for allowing me
To make my first impression on you,
For giving me a chance to start over,
For somehow making me feel loved…
We’ll probably never meet
Or cross paths again…
This will probably eventually fade from your memories before dusk falls or the sun rises.
And I Will probably forget that I ever wrote this.
but in this moment
Or souls have collided,
And we will never be, like we once were…
I’m a passionate being.
You’ll find my lifeless body roaming the earth,
Carrying out mandatory tasks
To merely keep me alive.
I need you to Strip Me completely naked.
I’m not talking about baring particles of my skin for your arousal.
I mean opening my soul,
So that you can roam in it for hours,
Instead of the boys who feel they’re entitled to my body after knowing my favourite colour.
If you’re lucky,
You’ll get to see the colours of my spirit.
If you’re really really lucky,
You will feel five thousand colours taking you by the hand… dancing.
If you’re blessed beyond measure,
You will See the Genesis of my Alpha, and realise that you are my Omega…
I need you to get lost in me so deep, that you begin to see forever.
And, upon your return…
I want you to tell me every time you experience deja vu whenever we rondevu.
I ignore you purposely.
I have bigger plans than sleeping next to you permanently.
When I say
I mean just that.
I don’t see why you bother chasing me.
I recently started seeing a guy
Okay, I’ve known him for quite a while but it was up until recently when I acknowledged that he actually existed.
Anyway, he called me an emotionless bitch… maybe he didn’t use those exact words, because he’s trying to get into my pants and emotions, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it sounded like.
Surprisingly so, it hurt me because I actually like this one. In all honesty, I thought I was being caring and affectionate (and all the gay stuff that come with emotions) by actually making time for him and sacrificing my alone time, unlike other guys, that I make plans with, then *cough cough* sorry I can’t make it, I’m sick, “rain check?” (Along with the other bullshit stories I spring on these poor guys which I wouldn’t like them knowing because they’re probably reading this too.)
What I really want to say is, I took what he said to into consideration ( along with my Big Sister’s wish on my birthday, which was ” I’d love for her to have more emotion“).
So over the next few weeks or months, I’ll be exploring and experiencing my emotions a whole lot more and a whole lot deeper.
Wish me luck… or better yet, cry for me