When I Became A Man – Caleb Jones

When I became a man
I put away childish things
But before I became a man
I didn’t always fit the shoes of a King
I was a child trying to find his way
The toys I played with kept my eyes occupied
And left my eyes in a lustful boyish frenzy
My playmates had long legs, short skirts and soft skin
They cared enough to lie down and wallow with me often
Jezebel turned out to be my very best friend
I’d look in her eyes before ever seeing the sunrise
Every time I paid her a visit and slept in

Before I became a man
I saw how God made Adam from dust
So likewise I tried to make love out of lust
I didn’t know any better
I was taught by example
“Let your mouth spit game, but never let your heart say much, ”
I treated his daughters like beauty pageant contestants
There would be zero return on their investments
Proverbs 31 was never a criterion for my selection
Keep in mind this was before I became a man

Before I became a man
I would unlock my curse and throw away the key
I allowed anger to set up a construction company inside
Bitterness never rested
It left no time wasted
Whether Father loved me or not
All I could regurgitate was hatred
I became allergic to showing any form of compassion

Before I became a man
I was much shorter
Not just in height but in spiritual insight
Because I never had a picture
Nor did Pixar ever have a film
Showing me what God’s man really looked like

But when I became man
Oh, When I became a man
I learned how to love Father God right back
Even though I’m good at falling short of the glory
I reflect on my story
Through my praise I’ll self publish a testimony

When I became a man
I learned how to cry
Because I’m not ashamed of my tears
Since I became a man
I’m not longer afraid of the dark
I’ll wrap my hands around James 5: 16
Confess, Pray, and Heal my Heart

I have discovered something
That there are medicinal qualities
Right down the corridor of introspection
When I became a man
I learned how to love her
My Esther, My Ruth
I learned how to honor her like she was Jesus’ mother
Because one day she’ll be pregnant
With the seed that will transport my legacy
So that my God and my name will both have longevity
Even after they bury me

I could not love her before
Because I was not able
My insecurities and my perfectionism had me
Looking in on the next best player
That was checking in at the scorer’s table
How could I possibly be her covering?
When I was an umbrella with holes in it
But I learned to love her like I ought to
Because I want Him to be my Father and my Father-in-law
Since that’s his daughter

When I became a man
I learned to love my brother
I’ll share my heart, my hug and my hallelujah
Because a hug and a hallelujah without my heart
Leaves room for his spirit to respond with “I never knew you”
I became a man so that when he became a man
He would know a man
Who picked up the gospel and put the toys away

When I became a man

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Troubled boy…

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So it seems

Nobody wants a troubled boy,
I learned to leave alone the troubled boy.

I spent the longest time trying to figure him out,

Even wrote a poem, in hopes of decoding his life.

I get that he was a troubled boy with a heart that needed healing,
He thought he get rid of it through sexual healing
Almost like it’s heaven sent,
Then sent back to hell again.
His demons won’t stop screaming,
His angels don’t whisper loud enough, &
His silence doesn’t offer healing.

You need to realise that I never promised him I’d stay, I recall saying that I would to be patient.

I’m pretty sure you realise that I don’t chase… but with him I was pacing.

With hearts that are hidden behind blinds, maybe we just need to accept that, I am not his and he is not mine.
 
I’m pretty sure he was about to teach me how to fall in love without using a rule book or focusing on time.

But in essence, he taught me how letting go is a process that may not always take time… 

I showed him a fraction of himself through my eyes, and he helplessly showed me a reflection of a fragile broken boy, who shows the world a completely different side.

Yet somehow I still saw the best in him, patiently waited for his best to show through, but learned that some miracles never come true.

I’ll just pray for 21 days of strength to kick out bad habits. Change my patterns and ways to erase you out of my memories and subconscious. 

I just want to pick up my phone and not think of you. Go passed your name and not have the urge to call you.
I want to be able to see anything remotely related to you and not be moved.

I hope one day your heart is capable of loving someone back with every bit of good it has buried deep within it.

I’ll eventually deal with the wasted time.
I’ll finally accept the fact that you were never mine.
I’ll admit. I was too foolish to see the  signs and
Too blind to read between the lines…

♥ Kamiz

The Artist

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A fractional piece of your life mirrors his…

Where the cutting of his ear 

Echos your love for music &

Displaying how much you’re willing to sacrifice,

Before you actually lose it.

Both somehow portraying a sense of overzealness in your craft. . .

In a parallel universe,

Exists a little corner store,

Feeling like somehow you gave them a piece of your soul,

So they could give you a piece of your old life back.

Mimicking nothing,

But the energy he once drew

From his deepest emotions,

As his very own muse.

Creative at heart,

Wired with passion and 

The ability to feel with great depth.

Seeing and feeling beyond the human eye.

Overactive imagination

Allowing you to already see

Right through her naked body

Without exercising your naked eye.

 

Adopting multiple personalities and

Traits to mask yourself

Like layers of water-based paint

Forever changing and shape shifting,

& sometimes even painting over your somber mood. 

Making musical references

To make sense of ramification.

Not bound to any genre

Because you experience songs as inspiration.

Subconsciously expressing emotional clues

Subliminally hidden in your favourite tunes. 

Turning the music up so loud

You would think Eminem

Is throwing a private concert

In your very own room.

So out of tune with the world,

Yet still so in touch,

Beating to the rhythm of your very own drum.

Part of you hating that

The very song that moves you

Beyond the beat

Makes little sense

To everyone else listening.

But stil somewhat glad

That they’re moving their body anyway,

Interpreting the song in their own way.

Always thinking

The next part of your life will

Unfold a part of the answers,

Like how rhythm blends in with the blues.

Making peace with the adventure

Of finding the key in the next chapter. 

One of life’s paradoxes surface, 

Lingering is the thought of wanting to open doors to new things 

But still feeling quite safe with all those doors closed in.

Point is,

They don’t know about Your life.

They don’t know about you.

Then again

Nobody does.

&  Somehow

You’re perfectly okay with that. 

♥ Kamiz

L(US)T

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Can I kiss you,

To remind you of all the shit you deserve?      

Can our lips find each other,

Whenever we’re lost for words?

 

Can your mind seduce me onto you, 

Wthout saying a word?  

 

Does the back of your mind Memorise my moans,     

Like I memorise your every groan?

And if you kiss my neck,

I guarentee you, you will not leave this room unfucked.

But all the shit and wreckless halla’ring

Just left you out of luck,

Because in the darkness-

The truth lurks. 

Your touch takes me back to our first erection,

Now I realised it was our only connection.  

Your “I love you” just a mere representation. 

 

No strings attached were the colours of our relation.

 

Only thing deep about about it

Was penetration.

♥ Kamiz