A Mile; In Suicidal Shoes

you’re not a bad person for the way you kill your sadness…

Each pill dissolving on your tongue, the way you wished your pain would.

But pain is not like people,
you can’t just talk it away,

And people aren’t simple,
you cannot force them to stay.

99 pills at once,

Like problems shoved down your throat.

Difficult to swallow.

Difficult to breathe.

life isn’t easy.

Death is a breeze.

your living pain is unbearable,
And you can’t wait to leave.

Coping, are your eyes,
Struggling to stay awake.

Starved is your heart,
Unable to eat joy.

Confused is your mind,
How could misery be so happy, when it always has you in mind.

No suicide note.

No one deserves to know how frozen their coldness left you.

How their ghostly words
that escaped their tongue
now haunt you-
Like you will now haunt them.

You’ve managed to stop the world from spinning.

Slowly floating away.

Never felt anything so great.

Embracing you body for the fight, maybe now, it too, will understand the scars you placed above every vain.

It too, will fully feel the pain you’ve been exposed to.

You hoping nothing goes wrong, because it’s way too right.

So light as a feather,
is this moment.
Unable to feel the ground.

You feel rest,
Drowning in peace.

As your troubled soul escapes from you

Happy,

That no one is nearby to save you.

Happiness like this doesn’t last
It turns into pain of the past.

you clinch every single part of you.

Then finally

With your last breath

YOU.ARE.FREE

Crutch

I loved you, when you were most broken.
Prayed every night, that you would be healed as sunrise awakens,
But every day, you would awaken,
With more and more breathes taken.

I see how pain radiates through your smile.
Knowing that your feet won’t walk a mile, without a crutch.
Eyes oblivious, to what was already seen.
Mind breaks between intervals of time  and space, while experiencing numbness.

And in between prayers of your healing and opening my eyes and seeing you,
I’d sit and think…
“Would I ever do this this for a another living being?”
I put so much time and energy just to watch you slowly wither away…

It pained me to see how you slept on promises molded in yesterday’s pain.
How touch, was the only emotion left,
The only thing you felt.

After all the support and love I selflessly handed to you
Your soul didn’t even have the decency to remain.
The same pillow you rested your legs on, now nest my tears.

Frustrated by how much I loved you, when you couldn’t even have the strength to love yourself.

The intensity of trust heightened, when I held you up, with my shoulder hosting your hand.

Realsing that you really had no where to run.
Forced to engage in more meaningful conversations that opened you up and left you vulnerable.

I valued our conversations.
They helped me understand that small talk will never be the root of deep conversations.
I now vow to never be mesmerised by talk that’s cheap.

Your love stories showed me the epitome of romance.
Through your eyes, I saw the life of a slow dance…

        In Memory of Matshidiso Mopai.
                    31 October 2004

♥ Kamiz

Already 6ft Under

Perhaps the death of my aunt made me completely stop believing in forever.
I swear you never know death until it discreetly enters your home and slowly destroys the one thing you love the most.

I swear I saw him drag the life out of her eyes.
That scumbag spat on her like wild mushrooms had already viciously covered her decomposed body.                                       
I could no longer feel her touch.
Her kisses where just dust.               
Death was robust in her bones.  
Her lust for life, was as hard as stone.

I would constantly feel wings brushing my side and my back.
Smell her scent, look around but find her 20 metres away just laying on her back watching her life wither away.

It was fucked up how he left her with her heart beating.
How dare he take her soul and leave me with a lifeless body.
Ahhh man, death is the devil himself.

image

♥ Kamiz