09/04/2016

Waiting on the sun to sleep

I allow my clothes to grace my ankles. 

I turn on the shower – 

Grab a wine glass and make it less hollow. 

Slip into the shower with the the sole purpose of scrubbing my soul clean from anything a that is not me.  

In pursuit of nothing less than self intimacy 

Longing to be intimate with myself, and only me.  

Hot waters hit my back, 

hot vapors hit the ceiling, 

dancing in the air, 

graciously existing my body, 

Stripping away characters that remain long after the person leaves. 

Long after the pain. 

Finally allowing me to enjoy my company.. 

My body now feels like home to me.

Laying naked, un ashamed of baring my flaws. 

At this point, I am aware that nobody matters more than me. 

I get cosy with no intention of touching myself, but rather to invite myself and let myself know me more.

Reintroducing myself to my scars. 

Identifying features beyond intertwined branches, drawn from places much deeper – rooted trees in the soil.

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A Mile; In Suicidal Shoes

you’re not a bad person for the way you kill your sadness…

Each pill dissolving on your tongue, the way you wished your pain would.

But pain is not like people,
you can’t just talk it away,

And people aren’t simple,
you cannot force them to stay.

99 pills at once,

Like problems shoved down your throat.

Difficult to swallow.

Difficult to breathe.

life isn’t easy.

Death is a breeze.

your living pain is unbearable,
And you can’t wait to leave.

Coping, are your eyes,
Struggling to stay awake.

Starved is your heart,
Unable to eat joy.

Confused is your mind,
How could misery be so happy, when it always has you in mind.

No suicide note.

No one deserves to know how frozen their coldness left you.

How their ghostly words
that escaped their tongue
now haunt you-
Like you will now haunt them.

You’ve managed to stop the world from spinning.

Slowly floating away.

Never felt anything so great.

Embracing you body for the fight, maybe now, it too, will understand the scars you placed above every vain.

It too, will fully feel the pain you’ve been exposed to.

You hoping nothing goes wrong, because it’s way too right.

So light as a feather,
is this moment.
Unable to feel the ground.

You feel rest,
Drowning in peace.

As your troubled soul escapes from you

Happy,

That no one is nearby to save you.

Happiness like this doesn’t last
It turns into pain of the past.

you clinch every single part of you.

Then finally

With your last breath

YOU.ARE.FREE

Validation

I see girls switching on their cameras, stripping off their morals, in search for validation; in the form of 1000 likes.

I’ve seen and heard them say and do things, in spite of what they promised, their 8 year old self.

In the wee hours of the morning, you can see teardrops seep from underneath their doors, Crying for love, that they cannot afford to give themselves.

They Strain their pockets and kill their legs, just to look prettier than the next girl, like we’re all in some sort of attention grabbing competition.

I’ve heard them say hurtful things, to other woman, to get a backing from a man, who will probably think less of her, but want to see more of her, naked, on his body.

I’ve seen and been a victim of how they step on heads and lay on beds just to elevate themselves.

The world gets to see how their confidence is actually on their skin, by the way they barely have clothes on.

Somehow I’m grateful for men that confuse woman, because it makes it easier to sift for a woman who possess Character. A woman who never wavers her decisions based on a man’s current preference.
Thick, skinny, dreaded, long hair, natural,  makeup yet bare.

A woman of substance and self love. Never alters her life or value system based on how a man is feeling during their encounter.

We, as a woman, need to stop craving positive feedback to help us see how our identity and beauty fits into a man’s world. We seek for validation on social media, because we get instant feedback and gratification. Problem is, we are looking for validation in very dangerous places.

Let’s be honest;

“Social media is a virtual talking mirror that contains irrelevant voices”

All I’m saying is, most influential voice,  should come from within…

“I have grown to understand that I’m difficult to love, not because I’m broken, but  because I’m whole. I don’t give guys the luxury of loving me in parts. I love all of me whole heartedly, so it becomes difficult for a guy to squeeze through my insecurities to fill a void he might think I possess. I don’t get aroused by petty compliments.
See, some guys find joy in loving someone who’s broken so that they fix them just to break them again.”

Dream

She dreamt me into existence…
I was no threat,
I mean,
He was just my friend,
Nothing about it was pretend.

From borderline brother,
To undercover lover,
Like harmless breeze turned thunder.

Like Alice, 
I’m in Wonder…
I’m lost,
I’m confused,
My feelings;
New
Who knew?
Me and you?!?
From Souled Out tunes to old school blues,
From bluesing to bruising
From humming to moaning the same tune.

Her insecurities, prophesied
Didn’t take long ’til they materialised
Now I’m mesmerised
Living another life
Caught up in a web of lines
Because
I am not his
And
He is not mine.

♥ Kamiz

F 4 u – fela ella

I just wanted you that one time. That that one stroke

That one night.

That last kiss, that last cuddle. 

You’re trying to talk about how much you want me forever but my eyes roll and I scream for you to touch me there..

I know I won’t want you later or care for your feelings. 

I never have, never fucking will..

Just keep me company, hold me while I dig into you.

lust for me like you love me, then leave me without your name. 

Your confessions of love make me sick.

I don’t want you, I just want him, his tenderness his negativity his everything. 

I’m fucked up and you don’t even realise. My arms hurt from the slicing, my lungs hurt from the smoking. 

My heart aches to hear your voice again, so that you can tell me that you love me.

and I’ll lie and tell you that “I love you too.”

Fela Ella

♥ Kamiz

I’m so unapologetic nowadays. I love it.

I’ve actually gotten to the point where I have NO remorse, no apologies, about how I feel.

You ever felt bad or guilty about your own feeling?

Have you ever felt like your feelings had to be justified for them to be valid?

Welp, not anymore. And I love it.

This is who I am & this is how I feel; this is fact, that you have no choice but to accept. (I’m not asking permission to feel what I feel anymore)

From Tumblr:
Eccentricsoul

♥ Kamiz