Letter to 18 Year Old Me

May you never get lost seeking something you already possess in yourself.

You are phenomenal.

You are the magic.

You are blessed.

You are loved.

You don’t have to wait for permission to be your true self, because no one will give it to you. Self Discipline will get you miles further than Beauty and Brains.

The woman you desire to become won’t just spring up on you and surprise you, you have to work on her daily... you gotta let yourself breathe and relax when the world seems like it is too much, because it is gonna go on without you either way.

For the longest time I always believed that one day I’ll just wake up and be this remarkable woman… it’s been 8 years since, and that day hasn’t come because it doesn’t exist.

I began visualizing who she is, and each day, each situation I’d bring in elements of her which I admired and loved to see in myself. And this has taught me to show up as her. Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to reinvent myself as many times as possible.

You don’t owe anyone versions of yourself they don’t even know, like you do. Versions of you they may not even like, Versions of you they felt comfortable disrespecting,

Versions of you that fed their ego…

you don’t owe anyone anything. No one owes you anything. Babygirl, you gotta have your own back… first of all, it’s your back!

I’ve learned to tune people out when they put me in boxes I know I don’t tick or boxes that have old versions of me or boxes that have no business being in the same sentence as me.

I smile boldly every time someone tells me that I’ve changed, because I work too damn hard to stay the same.

I hope no one boldly talks you out of being yourself.

I hope you embrace the journey of finding yourself within.

And it only dawned on me today…

The beauty of life is the journey (it can be any journey) that leads you to different places, that allow you to search yourself and meet yourself deeply.

And I hope one day you understand this ♥️.

I will forever be grateful to The Young Legacy Empower Her Program for assigning me to my mentee, because it’s moments with her, that enable me to reach that much deeper in myself and reflect.

She had sent me a beautiful birthday message, and in the midst of me thanking her, I found myself writing a letter to 18 year old me and half way through I realized that this was probably what I needed when I was younger. There’s so much beauty in sharing your journey with young woman. I never take it for granted. There’s nothing more beautiful than wanting to see someone win so bad and be a being a part of that journey ♥️

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Troubled boy…

image

So it seems

Nobody wants a troubled boy,
I learned to leave alone the troubled boy.

I spent the longest time trying to figure him out,

Even wrote a poem, in hopes of decoding his life.

I get that he was a troubled boy with a heart that needed healing,
He thought he get rid of it through sexual healing
Almost like it’s heaven sent,
Then sent back to hell again.
His demons won’t stop screaming,
His angels don’t whisper loud enough, &
His silence doesn’t offer healing.

You need to realise that I never promised him I’d stay, I recall saying that I would to be patient.

I’m pretty sure you realise that I don’t chase… but with him I was pacing.

With hearts that are hidden behind blinds, maybe we just need to accept that, I am not his and he is not mine.
 
I’m pretty sure he was about to teach me how to fall in love without using a rule book or focusing on time.

But in essence, he taught me how letting go is a process that may not always take time… 

I showed him a fraction of himself through my eyes, and he helplessly showed me a reflection of a fragile broken boy, who shows the world a completely different side.

Yet somehow I still saw the best in him, patiently waited for his best to show through, but learned that some miracles never come true.

I’ll just pray for 21 days of strength to kick out bad habits. Change my patterns and ways to erase you out of my memories and subconscious. 

I just want to pick up my phone and not think of you. Go passed your name and not have the urge to call you.
I want to be able to see anything remotely related to you and not be moved.

I hope one day your heart is capable of loving someone back with every bit of good it has buried deep within it.

I’ll eventually deal with the wasted time.
I’ll finally accept the fact that you were never mine.
I’ll admit. I was too foolish to see the  signs and
Too blind to read between the lines…

♥ Kamiz