Roses From Men Who Scarred You

It pains you…

You’re well aware that you’re digging yourself a grave just to fulfill something completely unrelated to this man, whom you share a bed.

Concealing a hurt you were once too young to fathom or understand.

Because at that point, all you knew was joy. Pain was just something you felt when you lost balance and fell off a bike and was never really an emotion.

All you could recall was feeling empty for a while staring at the world, as it spun and you finally catch your breath when it eclipsed with your smile.

Unaware that planetary shifts are no different from spiritual principalities and warfares, drastically shifting while you remained stationary, unable to detect the areas of your life that were constantly under attack!

And it took a while for you to see it… you began to see the patterns of the unapologetically toxic men, you could not help but attract, and they happened to look attractive and you happened to be attracted and ultimately attached.

Attached to a string of men, that literally led you nowhere, and No, they were NOT stringing you along, you were dead weight, to men who had witnessed you digging your own grave, in their presence, with presents that they used as tokens of apologies to just buy more time with you, until they got lucky.

And after the pain and sufferings, of you witnessing death in the eyes of the men, you once thought you loved, you sought peace.

And finally, it hits you,

You reach utopia,

A moment of solitude that leads to solace.

And you finally get it…

“You were never enough to make your father stay”

And that you never feel enough for the men you beg to stay.

There’s a connection.

The first is the root, and the latter, fruits that are bared.

It’s the same pain, except it was planted in your youth and it’s been growing and It has outgrown you.

The same branches that reach out to these men, push them away, equally as quickly… and it grows and it grows.

As you feed it apologies which are not meant to be said and lust to men who are not worthy; men who do not require refuge but seek it for the sake of curiosity; seeking asylum in sacred parts of your body.

A temple which was never meant to be toyed with to begin with, simply because you didn’t end it.

Advertisements

Pursuit

Fully aware that you pursue me in only in draped skies-

Because I am born of light.

When your own darkness consumes you

And you don’t have the desire to be devoured anymore

You knock on my door

And like the fool that I am- I open

With arms wide open

And a mind filled with naive thoughts that you won’t hurt me-

Yet you leave me in your darkness like you have before

Mind helplessly swimming in confusion

Unable to derifrienciate our demons

Because yours make themselves feel so much at home

In my own

They take up all the empty spaces, that I don’t even notice you leaving

You’re foolish for leaving me with your demons Because they will always find you

And wholely consume you

I am born of light, it’s only a matter of time before they’re blinded by me.

They find comfort in your solitude

Darkness is no Stranger to you

And you will come knocking on my door

And again, I’ll let you in

But this time

Leave your shoes and demons at the door

I am tired of your sole walking all over me.

I hate that you’re the one door I am unable to close

You drain me.

02 June 2016

22:23

Sinful White Linen

Laying in sinfully white linen,

Covering the remains of my body,

Which are drenched in sex and loneliness.

Unable to fathom the debt I paid for love,

Because no one is able to hold me once you’re gone.

Not only am I swimming in your sweat,

I’m drowning in thoughts of you,

Unable to utter another man’s name.

Unable to spit out the sins I effortlessly swallowed last night.

Unable to get you out of my head…

Because the Coffee I wanted so bad,

Landed up being the Coffin I eagerly buried myself in.

I can’t help but reminisce about how bad I longed for your kiss,

The same kiss which happened to suck out my soul, along with my logic.

I am as unfamiliar with my surroundings as I am to myself.

A constellation of regret lays swift the window seal,

As I did on the bed, waiting to be consumed by your darkness,

Because the stars and I aren’t strangers to the one thing that makes us Come alive…

I Wanted Coffee…

A passionate history of empty promises,

In the chamber of moments never written,

I was waiting for you…

Your presence

poured out like perfume –

No wonder I adored you so much.

Just wanting you to look at me once more…

Just look at me like love.

And like a break from war,

I accept you with open arms wide open,

Just glad that you’re breathing again,

And glad that you’re whole.

 

 

Now I am everything depicting broken because it is my heart that you stole.

Now here you are…

And I am unable to feel my own hollow; due to the illusion that you make me whole.

Waking up next to you, with the smell of coffee brewing parallel to morning dust.

Coffee synonymous to lust

At this moment, I am unable to differentiate between love and lust.

I’ve avoided so many potential heartbreaks

Yet I still want to face your heads on.

Upon preparation for this moment

I specifically said I wanted coffee.

And not coffee in the morning.

But Coffee as a gesture.

A simple gesture to show that you care.

 

I want you…


“I fucken want you and I want to be about you.”

Shouted out to the man of my dreams.

The man created by me in my head.

He lives.

He’s real.

He owns his body,

But the rest of him was created by me.

And I want him!

Dammit, I want him SO bad…

I wanna wrap my legs around him

And dig my fingers into him.
First time I woke thinking about someone either than me,

There’s no reason for us not to be together 

Besides the fact that he’s acting up…

I want to be around him.

I want our bodies in such close proximity that our bodies confuse sweat.

I want him and I want him in every possible way there is to want a human

Bare in mind that I want him, not need him,

And if he doesn’t want to be wanted in every possible way,

He should Allow me to leave.

I’ll take my heart with me and learn to bare a little less the next time….

I don’t do intimacy with strangers 

And although they don’t know the depths of my soul 

Parts of them wonder about me when they’re alone

Lip locking with my chakras 

Because their “hellos” don’t sound like echoes 

There’s more behind it

It’s not emptiness built on nothings.
And although I may not want anything  to do with the person

Parts of me remain

Where we last met

Holding parts of what’s left

Because I know they’ll return 

No one wants to leave remains of themselves 

At places that don’t feel like home