Letter to 18 Year Old Me

May you never get lost seeking something you already possess in yourself.

You are phenomenal.

You are the magic.

You are blessed.

You are loved.

You don’t have to wait for permission to be your true self, because no one will give it to you. Self Discipline will get you miles further than Beauty and Brains.

The woman you desire to become won’t just spring up on you and surprise you, you have to work on her daily... you gotta let yourself breathe and relax when the world seems like it is too much, because it is gonna go on without you either way.

For the longest time I always believed that one day I’ll just wake up and be this remarkable woman… it’s been 8 years since, and that day hasn’t come because it doesn’t exist.

I began visualizing who she is, and each day, each situation I’d bring in elements of her which I admired and loved to see in myself. And this has taught me to show up as her. Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to reinvent myself as many times as possible.

You don’t owe anyone versions of yourself they don’t even know, like you do. Versions of you they may not even like, Versions of you they felt comfortable disrespecting,

Versions of you that fed their ego…

you don’t owe anyone anything. No one owes you anything. Babygirl, you gotta have your own back… first of all, it’s your back!

I’ve learned to tune people out when they put me in boxes I know I don’t tick or boxes that have old versions of me or boxes that have no business being in the same sentence as me.

I smile boldly every time someone tells me that I’ve changed, because I work too damn hard to stay the same.

I hope no one boldly talks you out of being yourself.

I hope you embrace the journey of finding yourself within.

And it only dawned on me today…

The beauty of life is the journey (it can be any journey) that leads you to different places, that allow you to search yourself and meet yourself deeply.

And I hope one day you understand this ♥️.

I will forever be grateful to The Young Legacy Empower Her Program for assigning me to my mentee, because it’s moments with her, that enable me to reach that much deeper in myself and reflect.

She had sent me a beautiful birthday message, and in the midst of me thanking her, I found myself writing a letter to 18 year old me and half way through I realized that this was probably what I needed when I was younger. There’s so much beauty in sharing your journey with young woman. I never take it for granted. There’s nothing more beautiful than wanting to see someone win so bad and be a being a part of that journey ♥️

Day 79: In Closing

Love is personal

Love is peace

Love is painful

Love is a lot like happiness

Love is a process

Love is patient

Love is being patient with yourself

Love is being yourself

Love is God

Love is seeking God

Love is finding God

Love is knowing your creators and forefathers

Love is knowing who you are

Love is knowing that you’re body, soul and spirit

Love is praising on a mountain to be one with your trinity

Love is singing

Love is silence

Love is letting music move you

Love is confusion

Love is confronting your demons

Love is knowing your demons, so your loved ones don’t have to feel their aftermath

Love is forgiveness

Love is forgiving yourself for holding on to hurt

Love is bursting into tears on a bus filled with strangers

Love is healing in a different country, in isolation

Love is loving yourself through it all

Love is finding your voice

Love is finding your voice in prayer

Love is prayer

Love is being mindful of the things that make you happy.

Love is is standing up for what you believe in.

Love is kind

My kind of love is chaos, but it’s also deep.

My love is uniquely me.

Day 11: Love Letter

Today, I read old letters I once wrote to past lovers…

It’s the words I wrote that truly spoke to me.

My love has always been silent but bold.

Silent Roar is what I call her.

I let my heart bleed on those pages in fear of my love being to large to digest.

I could never confront any lover without the fear of drowning them in my intensity.

I now see why my subconscious always drew me away from love.

She knew my love was daring, bold, submissive yet unapologetic.

I’ve always fallen too short of my own love.

It has taken me my whole life to grow into her Silent Roar.

Roses From Men Who Scarred You

It pains you…

You’re well aware that you’re digging yourself a grave just to fulfill something completely unrelated to this man, whom you share a bed.

Concealing a hurt you were once too young to fathom or understand.

Because at that point, all you knew was joy. Pain was just something you felt when you lost balance and fell off a bike and was never really an emotion.

All you could recall was feeling empty for a while staring at the world, as it spun and you finally catch your breath when it eclipsed with your smile.

Unaware that planetary shifts are no different from spiritual principalities and warfares, drastically shifting while you remained stationary, unable to detect the areas of your life that were constantly under attack!

And it took a while for you to see it… you began to see the patterns of the unapologetically toxic men, you could not help but attract, and they happened to look attractive and you happened to be attracted and ultimately attached.

Attached to a string of men, that literally led you nowhere, and No, they were NOT stringing you along, you were dead weight, to men who had witnessed you digging your own grave, in their presence, with presents that they used as tokens of apologies to just buy more time with you, until they got lucky.

And after the pain and sufferings, of you witnessing death in the eyes of the men, you once thought you loved, you sought peace.

And finally, it hits you,

You reach utopia,

A moment of solitude that leads to solace.

And you finally get it…

“You were never enough to make your father stay”

And that you never feel enough for the men you beg to stay.

There’s a connection.

The first is the root, and the latter, fruits that are bared.

It’s the same pain, except it was planted in your youth and it’s been growing and It has outgrown you.

The same branches that reach out to these men, push them away, equally as quickly… and it grows and it grows.

As you feed it apologies which are not meant to be said and lust to men who are not worthy; men who do not require refuge but seek it for the sake of curiosity; seeking asylum in sacred parts of your body.

A temple which was never meant to be toyed with to begin with, simply because you didn’t end it.

Pursuit

Fully aware that you pursue me in only in draped skies-

Because I am born of light.

When your own darkness consumes you

And you don’t have the desire to be devoured anymore

You knock on my door

And like the fool that I am- I open

With arms wide open

And a mind filled with naive thoughts that you won’t hurt me-

Yet you leave me in your darkness like you have before

Mind helplessly swimming in confusion

Unable to derifrienciate our demons

Because yours make themselves feel so much at home

In my own

They take up all the empty spaces, that I don’t even notice you leaving

You’re foolish for leaving me with your demons Because they will always find you

And wholely consume you

I am born of light, it’s only a matter of time before they’re blinded by me.

They find comfort in your solitude

Darkness is no Stranger to you

And you will come knocking on my door

And again, I’ll let you in

But this time

Leave your shoes and demons at the door

I am tired of your sole walking all over me.

I hate that you’re the one door I am unable to close

You drain me.

02 June 2016

22:23