For The Body

It never crossed my mind that taking my clothes off for a couple of sweet words was beyond unethical.

You see, Prostitution is a trade-off between morals & money.
But what do you call it when you trade your morals for attention?

Society taught me, who I am, isn’t good enough,
Since then, I’ve been in search of validation,
& in return, I left my body in complete annihilation,
Because I’m too busy living to give a damn about my education.

I’m too busy putting on makeup because I don’t like the sight of my bare reflection.

My mind & body are in some sort of bittersweet altercation.

I seem to allure strangers that may never be properly introduced to my spirit but land up getting introduced to the demons in my head.

Their naked bodies creep into my bed smelling of another woman’s stench.

They, fondle my breasts,
And I effortlessly part my legs
Like the red sea spread for Moses
With each deep stroke leaving my sheets a bloody mess…

Their patience for me,
Proportionally inverse to their dick size.
After the hot sex,
Their emotions for me evaporate faster than the sweat in between our fully satisfied bodies.

Situation left sticky…

So heavily drenched in lonely that they don’t even bother to hold me…
Scared that my loneliness might linger on the follicles of their skin.

Fuck bitch! i’ll call you back in 2 minutes
wounded up being a few weeks,

Mind heavily impregnated,
Fueled with a million assumptions & insecurities …
Because they forever make my body a vessel that makes them come, & at times on my face,

But won’t be around when the bitter tears race, like my tears are some sort of kryptonite to their manhood…

They’ll never know the million scars that hide the very pain I scratch in their back.

When they come back,
They bite my lip so hard,
And suck out the bitter taste they left lingering on my lips from the last time.

So damaged, that I’ll probably only be able to recognize my own reflection with the broken piece of the mirror used to draw lines that satisfy my addiction.

The voices in me don’t sound like me anymore, they sound more like demons, demons that sound like them.

At this point,
My body is well acquainted with every position in the karma sutra,

We don’t even bother with foreplay, because I’m already wet,

Then I hear a careless whispers…

“baby girl, this doesn’t suit ya”

Thing is, I’m not doing this to look good, I do this to feel good…

All I ever wanted, was to be more than a wounded 2nd option

I heard
“time heals all”
But what do I do when every day it feels like the hands on my clock also suffer,
But with arthritis,
Barely moving…

See, I’ve been looking for God EVERYWHERE,
everywhere but the bible,

Trying to figure out the notion about this thing called man…

Because Adam was easily manipulated by Eve,
But all my pussy power can do, is manipulate men to leave.

They pulled me from their chest, put an apple in my hand & blame me for their mess…

I lay in bed crying for invisibility because when I look up, the reflection I see of myself, is the god in him…

I know that the story ends in sin…

Many lifeless bodies who could have been lawyers, doctors, pro athletes lay breathless suffocated in latex on the pile of tissues left in my bin…

Joy is peace from within…

Knowing who you are and being unapologetic about it.

Knowing your demons, confronting them, working through them so that you can confidently work towards the woman you’re destined to become.

Joy is the aftermath of allowing yourself to heal, regardless of how ugly the process may be.

It’s forgiving yourself for all the times you gave yourself the short end of the stick and robbing yourself of feeling wholly.

Most importantly, loving yourself through it all.

Kamogelo Mopai

Letter to 18 Year Old Me

May you never get lost seeking something you already possess in yourself.

You are phenomenal.

You are the magic.

You are blessed.

You are loved.

You don’t have to wait for permission to be your true self, because no one will give it to you. Self Discipline will get you miles further than Beauty and Brains.

The woman you desire to become won’t just spring up on you and surprise you, you have to work on her daily... you gotta let yourself breathe and relax when the world seems like it is too much, because it is gonna go on without you either way.

For the longest time I always believed that one day I’ll just wake up and be this remarkable woman… it’s been 8 years since, and that day hasn’t come because it doesn’t exist.

I began visualizing who she is, and each day, each situation I’d bring in elements of her which I admired and loved to see in myself. And this has taught me to show up as her. Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to reinvent myself as many times as possible.

You don’t owe anyone versions of yourself they don’t even know, like you do. Versions of you they may not even like, Versions of you they felt comfortable disrespecting,

Versions of you that fed their ego…

you don’t owe anyone anything. No one owes you anything. Babygirl, you gotta have your own back… first of all, it’s your back!

I’ve learned to tune people out when they put me in boxes I know I don’t tick or boxes that have old versions of me or boxes that have no business being in the same sentence as me.

I smile boldly every time someone tells me that I’ve changed, because I work too damn hard to stay the same.

I hope no one boldly talks you out of being yourself.

I hope you embrace the journey of finding yourself within.

And it only dawned on me today…

The beauty of life is the journey (it can be any journey) that leads you to different places, that allow you to search yourself and meet yourself deeply.

And I hope one day you understand this ♥️.

I will forever be grateful to The Young Legacy Empower Her Program for assigning me to my mentee, because it’s moments with her, that enable me to reach that much deeper in myself and reflect.

She had sent me a beautiful birthday message, and in the midst of me thanking her, I found myself writing a letter to 18 year old me and half way through I realized that this was probably what I needed when I was younger. There’s so much beauty in sharing your journey with young woman. I never take it for granted. There’s nothing more beautiful than wanting to see someone win so bad and be a being a part of that journey ♥️


I spent hours at the mirror

Surrounded by silence

Admiring my body

Not for anybody

But myself.

I marveled at my beauty

With no intention of

Capturing the moment

Or sharing my body

Just embodying who I’ve grown to become.

A woman.

A well carved sculpture

Embodying love,


And growth.

Destroyed inside

By the men I let enter

Take pictures

And pull away from me

what was sacred.

What is sacred.

How dare you

Make me kneel before you

For your mercy.

For your pleasure.

When I am the Temple?

You leave me drenched in your burdens…

Yet you leave the same way you came in.

Did I not move you?

Were you now elevated in my presence?

Zhengzhou, Home of Shaolin Temple

Sunday, 07:30

23 September 2018

First poem I’ve finally written in God knows how long

Day 79: In Closing

Love is personal

Love is peace

Love is painful

Love is a lot like happiness

Love is a process

Love is patient

Love is being patient with yourself

Love is being yourself

Love is God

Love is seeking God

Love is finding God

Love is knowing your creators and forefathers

Love is knowing who you are

Love is knowing that you’re body, soul and spirit

Love is praising on a mountain to be one with your trinity

Love is singing

Love is silence

Love is letting music move you

Love is confusion

Love is confronting your demons

Love is knowing your demons, so your loved ones don’t have to feel their aftermath

Love is forgiveness

Love is forgiving yourself for holding on to hurt

Love is bursting into tears on a bus filled with strangers

Love is healing in a different country, in isolation

Love is loving yourself through it all

Love is finding your voice

Love is finding your voice in prayer

Love is prayer

Love is being mindful of the things that make you happy.

Love is is standing up for what you believe in.

Love is kind

My kind of love is chaos, but it’s also deep.

My love is uniquely me.

Day 41: Silence

Some days I don’t write because I’m hurting.

And that’s been the case for the past 12 days.

Other days I don’t write because I’m so overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts which I force myself do deal with.

So please, excuse my silence, because during these moments, I have no desire to go on.

The pain drains me and pulls me away from confronting my demons and the pen.

I’m so grateful to those who remind me that I am not alone, that they too, are hurting and healing. I truly appreciate you all for reaching out.

During this time of silence, I’ve learned that healing is such a painful process.

Opening up to yourself, and identifying your own toxic traits which you’ve force fed yourself and having no one else to blame but yourself is daunting.

Learning to not only identify your toxic habits, but to make a conscious decision to unlearn them and actually follow through is a mammoth task.

But I owe it to myself and the people whom I wish to be surrounded by.

To those healing and hurting:

Remember, a healing journey is not an overnight stay; it is a process, and it’s often painful.

It’s a journey worth working through, feel free to pull to the side, as often as needed to care for your wounds, healing your heart with other broken parts of you is okay.

Day 28: Binging on Christ

I dedicated yesterday to seeking God’s face.

I read a number of plans and scriptures on my Bible App that touched and moved me deeply.

All relevant to various areas of my life, but most importantly my spiritual pigsty.

Throughout the day of constantly seeking, knocking, praying and listening, I came across The spiritual warfare battle plan, http://bible.com/r/2Oi a 5 Day Plan on my Bible app.

I decided to share this because throughout my journey, I was truly amazed at how people responded to my journey.

Many of us are hurting, yearning and healing.

I truly pray that this speaks to you like it did to me.

Below, I’ve shared an Excerpts that truly spoke to me each day:

Day1: Keep this truth in mind: the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Every demon has the same mission. How they go about it—their strategies and tactics—are different. A spirit of fear attacks your faith, for example, while a spirit of rejection attacks your identity. Satan is strategic. His army is highly organized, and he is sending specific spirits against believers to derail them from their kingdom purpose.

Day 2: The spirit of Jezebel seeks to seduce and often works through teaching and prophecy. This spirit seduces the saints into idolatry and immorality. This spirit may use control and manipulation to do it, but ultimately that’s not the end game. Jezebel’s end game is murder. The wages of sin is death, and Jezebel leads people into sin.

I further studied the spirit of Jezebel.

Turns out that the Jezebel spirit is one of Satan’s higher-ranking, more intelligent demons if not the smartest kind of demon he has in his kingdom.

Below are some further studies:

Part 1: What is the Jezebel Spirit


Part 2: The Ways in Which the Jezebel Spirit Will Operate


Another enlightening read:


Day 3: Prayer-Father, in the name of Jesus I come to You repenting of giving in to feelings of fear. I rebuke the spirit of fear that is working to entrap me, steal my faith, rob my peace, and otherwise riddle me with anxiety, in Christ’s name. I choose faith, trust, and love. I fear and trust the Lord only, in the name of the Christ. Amen.

Day 4: Bitterness is deadly. Over time, bitterness will defile our spirits and dull our ability to sense the presence of God or hear His voice. If you are mad at God, be honest with Him. Give Him your anger, and He will turn that anger into peace and a greater revelation of His sovereignty if you will let Him.

I was also moved by the prayer:

Lord, I choose to forgive those who hurt me, offended me, abused me, despitefully used me, or wronged me. Help me, Lord, to recognize the enemy’s strategy to trap me in resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Help me not to hold people’s sins against them. Teach me to avoid responding with a judgmental heart when I am hurting. Heal my emotions and renew a right spirit within me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Day 5: Breaking the power of vicious circles is often a matter of making better choices, but when it’s a demonic cycle you need to identify the imaginations and wrong thought patterns that are allowing wicked spirits to wreak havoc on your life. 

Go forth, spiritual warrior, with praise in your heart and prayer on your lips, dressed for battle. The battle belongs to the Lord, and the devil will flee seven ways. He has no choice when you submit yourself to God and resist him. No demon in hell is stronger than a will aligned with the Word of God. God’s grace floods the soul that seeks first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.

-I’m so glad that I’ve been focusing on old habits and patterns to find healing. A part of me felt like I was wasting my time, another party of me didn’t even want to dig deeper, in fear of numerous things.

There is so much power in identifying your patterns and what thoughts you break into when certain events or human encounters occur.

Be mindful of where you mind wonders off to when you’re left alone with your own thoughts.

Be mindful of where your mind wonders off to in the presence of certain people and occurrences.

Don’t foolishly allow your imagination to whisk itself off with pieces of you and your faith, only to replace them with doubt and fear.

Be mindful and vigilant.

Always guard your thoughts and faith.

Day 24: Seeking

It’s hard to follow your heart when it leads you to a place where your love isn’t reciprocated with effort.

It’s draining because you land up depleting yourself all in the name of love and love should never feel like that.

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked:

Let’s say now you meet someone who is willing to do anything you desire BUT you feel jack for them then the one you love wholeheartedly does not much as the other but your heart bleeds for them

My response was:

I’m at a point where I’m redefining love for myself.

And I wouldn’t want that contaminated with what I think love is because my love habits have been very toxic in the past and I’ve been attracted to people who cannot reciprocate the efforts of my love. It’s exhausting

Because of that, I would rather be alone or in desire because won’t feel emotionally obligated to give it my all.

I have literally made myself uncomfortable in the name of seeking love.

Fuck, I gave up the best sex of life, to seek Self and Love, because I owe myself, love.

P.S. I’ve been having a little network trouble. Farmgirl problems 😅

Day 23: Love is not Potential

I recently came across one of my many dream journals and WOW, I’ve always been ambitious and driven. This is undoubtedly what I’ve always loved about me.

And in this particular Journal, dated 17 May 2013, I wrote remarkable quotes throughout the seminar from individuals whom I’d consider heavy weights like Phuti Mahanyele, Tony Gaskins & Timothy Webster. I was moved by every single word that was said which I managed to capture in the form of memorable Quotes.

Gosh, five years later and I’m still in awe and equally overwhelmed that I was in the same room as these remarkable people.

I was inspired, ready to take on the world and all It’s challenges yet somehow, five years later, I’m still somewhat in the same space. Don’t get me wrong, spiritually, I’ve matured, drastically, Academically, I’ve graduated, Career wise, I became partner within a year. Yet I haven’t attained a fraction of what 2013 year old me desired, simply because I haven’t bothered to tap into my potential.

Okay, Now back to love. If 2013 year old me had gotten married to me, and seen what I’ve done within these five years, we’d probably be getting a divorce, if we hadn’t already. She’d be frustrated out of her mind, because I haven’t explored my burning potential to date.

And this is pretty much what happens in Relationships. People are attracted to potential. “Let’s Build together”.

A wedding, being cement and all necessary building materials, however throughout the marriage, no foundation is being built.

And the frustration begins to kick in, but truth is you didn’t marry a Civil Engineer, nor is he or she a brick layer or any remotely close to a construction worker. Only a dreamer… [but wait! There’s more] with potential.

Okay… I’m probably losing you now.

To wrap this up, stop seeking potential, what is it that they are bringing to the table consistently? Is it easy on your pallet? And are you able to stomach it? If not, you’re probably at the wrong table.

Are they making excuses for what they are unable to bring to the table and dangle a carrot to merely string you along to empty nothings?

Or perhaps the perhaps the person I’m referring to is not your partner but actually you.

Introspect and be honest with yourself,

Dig deep.

Be vulnerable

& transparent.

Love is not potential.

I repeat.

Love is not potential.

Day 22: Love has Triggers

Every time I felt rejected by love, I had an escape.

And I was unaware.

It finally hit me in the midst of me getting lost in my own thoughts; the triggers I’d resort to… it struck me so deep, I literally broke down.

See, every time I felt disappointed or rejected by a particular loved one, I’d subconsciously act out. It was sad, because until that moment, I never knew I had a bad habit.

I wasn’t aware that subconsciously, I’d get triggered and act out. When I came to this realization, I was deeply torn.

Not only was I rejected and hurt, it led me to expose myself to more hurt

What I’m trying to say is, sometimes these triggers can be painfully dangerous.

Next time you feel Hurt, Rejected or Betrayed by love or a loved one, take a moment to reflect, how do you respond subconsciously to that hurt.

That hurt could come in the form of a person, event or action.

What unhealthy triggers do experience?

Do you drink or spring clean, resort to sex or retail therapy?

Know your triggers.

By knowing what your triggers are, you restore and build so much power in the manner in which you will be capable of loving

Truth is, When I don’t feel loved, I relapse.

Day 20: Uprooted

It’s of utmost importance to be aware of your childhood,

There’s a subconscious link to the type of lovers you attract.

A subconscious link to triggers and bad habits.

A link to how you respond to certain situations.

We love along grooves formed in our childhood.

Through Life, we recreate feelings of love we knew when we were young.

Our psychological history, predisposes us to fall for certain type of people.

Truth is, we were force feed whatever love that was given to us when we were young, until we were capable of feeding ourselves our own definition.

And it’s unfortunate that some aspects of love that we’ve grown to know aren’t only cemented in, but are actually part of the foundation.

And knowing that you have to tear yourself apart from the root just to learn your own ‘healthier’ is painful.

Just earlier, my mom and I were having a conversation. A year ago, I would have easily sided with her without even flinching, but instead it turned into a fruitful debate.

I say this because, I had not only embodied her ideology of love, I had remolded it to be own without even being aware.

And now that I’m growing conscious of the intensity and complexity of my own love, I’m slowly learning how to articulate it and implement it in my own life.

I’m Redefining my own love.

Day 19: Truth

I’ve reflected on my Love Redefined series so far and learned that I robbed myself deeply.

I’ve been too scared to articulate my pain, I realized that I’ve literally scratched various surfaces in the hopes of finding solace, only to drown my thoughts in confusion.

Truth is, the only pieces I can fully relate to is Value, Love Letter, 4am & Silent Prayer.

I’m scared to dig deep because that means dragging childhood monsters that have now grown into emotional strongholds, triggering habits, unhealthy patterns and toxic relationships.

It also means hurting the ones that I love with honesty and confrontation. Admitting and accepting that they actually hurt me, instead of merely sweeping the pain under the carpet.

Because ultimately, that pain translates to other avenues get released in the form of miscommunication, poor decisionmaking, turning down love and feeling inadequate in love.

Day 13: Value

I remember dating once upon a time.

The relationship was based on convenience.

And although I taught myself how to love him, eventually. I hated that I had to constantly remind him of my worth.

Since then,I’ve always vowed to never settle for a man who fails to Pursue me.

Truth is, I’ve never been unaware of my Value [and yes, I may occasionally seek validation]. But I know what I can bring to the table, I know what I’ve brought to the table and the potential I can bring. And all three are nourishing, enriching, empowering and fulfilling at all times. I don’t know how to give in halves.

Day 11: Love Letter

Today, I read old letters I once wrote to past lovers…

It’s the words I wrote that truly spoke to me.

My love has always been silent but bold.

Silent Roar is what I call her.

I let my heart bleed on those pages in fear of my love being to large to digest.

I could never confront any lover without the fear of drowning them in my intensity.

I now see why my subconscious always drew me away from love.

She knew my love was daring, bold, submissive yet unapologetic.

I’ve always fallen too short of my own love.

It has taken me my whole life to grow into her Silent Roar.

Day 5: Mirror Mirror…

I studied the type of love I thought you wanted.

I mimicked and mirrored the type of love I thought would sustain you.

For years I’ve molded myself around your instability and inconsistency only to get nothing in return.

When I look back, I realize that I only gave what I thought you wanted and never did I grace you with the complexities of my own love

Maybe that’s why you failed to love me in return.


Love Redefined

Day 4: Validation


but that does not mean that the men I come into contact with will acknowledge that or even give me the light of day, even if it’s just for a second.

And I cannot fault them because they are in pursuit of other things. Meaning, they don’t even have time to marvel at my beauty bursting from deep inside.

They just simply notice the aftermath which consists of my beautifully constructed features, which happen to fit in with their desire.

And by pursuing it, they completely annihilating everything that is truly me.

Note to Self:

I need to stop seeking validation in the hands of the men who will never love me.