For The Body

It never crossed my mind that taking my clothes off for a couple of sweet words was beyond unethical.

You see, Prostitution is a trade-off between morals & money.
But what do you call it when you trade your morals for attention?

Society taught me, who I am, isn’t good enough,
Since then, I’ve been in search of validation,
& in return, I left my body in complete annihilation,
Because I’m too busy living to give a damn about my education.

I’m too busy putting on makeup because I don’t like the sight of my bare reflection.

My mind & body are in some sort of bittersweet altercation.

I seem to allure strangers that may never be properly introduced to my spirit but land up getting introduced to the demons in my head.

Their naked bodies creep into my bed smelling of another woman’s stench.

They, fondle my breasts,
And I effortlessly part my legs
Like the red sea spread for Moses
With each deep stroke leaving my sheets a bloody mess…

Their patience for me,
Proportionally inverse to their dick size.
And…
After the hot sex,
Their emotions for me evaporate faster than the sweat in between our fully satisfied bodies.

Situation left sticky…

So heavily drenched in lonely that they don’t even bother to hold me…
Scared that my loneliness might linger on the follicles of their skin.

Fuck bitch! i’ll call you back in 2 minutes
wounded up being a few weeks,

Mind heavily impregnated,
Fueled with a million assumptions & insecurities …
Because they forever make my body a vessel that makes them come, & at times on my face,

But won’t be around when the bitter tears race, like my tears are some sort of kryptonite to their manhood…

They’ll never know the million scars that hide the very pain I scratch in their back.

When they come back,
They bite my lip so hard,
And suck out the bitter taste they left lingering on my lips from the last time.

So damaged, that I’ll probably only be able to recognize my own reflection with the broken piece of the mirror used to draw lines that satisfy my addiction.

The voices in me don’t sound like me anymore, they sound more like demons, demons that sound like them.

At this point,
My body is well acquainted with every position in the karma sutra,

We don’t even bother with foreplay, because I’m already wet,

Then I hear a careless whispers…

“baby girl, this doesn’t suit ya”

Thing is, I’m not doing this to look good, I do this to feel good…

All I ever wanted, was to be more than a wounded 2nd option

I heard
“time heals all”
But what do I do when every day it feels like the hands on my clock also suffer,
But with arthritis,
Barely moving…

See, I’ve been looking for God EVERYWHERE,
everywhere but the bible,

Trying to figure out the notion about this thing called man…

Because Adam was easily manipulated by Eve,
But all my pussy power can do, is manipulate men to leave.

They pulled me from their chest, put an apple in my hand & blame me for their mess…

I lay in bed crying for invisibility because when I look up, the reflection I see of myself, is the god in him…

I know that the story ends in sin…

Many lifeless bodies who could have been lawyers, doctors, pro athletes lay breathless suffocated in latex on the pile of tissues left in my bin…

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Temple

I spent hours at the mirror

Surrounded by silence

Admiring my body

Not for anybody

But myself.

I marveled at my beauty

With no intention of

Capturing the moment

Or sharing my body

Just embodying who I’ve grown to become.

A woman.

A well carved sculpture

Embodying love,

War

And growth.

Destroyed inside

By the men I let enter

Take pictures

And pull away from me

what was sacred.

What is sacred.

How dare you

Make me kneel before you

For your mercy.

For your pleasure.

When I am the Temple?

You leave me drenched in your burdens…

Yet you leave the same way you came in.

Did I not move you?

Were you now elevated in my presence?

Zhengzhou, Home of Shaolin Temple

Sunday, 07:30

23 September 2018

First poem I’ve finally written in God knows how long

Day 79: In Closing

Love is personal

Love is peace

Love is painful

Love is a lot like happiness

Love is a process

Love is patient

Love is being patient with yourself

Love is being yourself

Love is God

Love is seeking God

Love is finding God

Love is knowing your creators and forefathers

Love is knowing who you are

Love is knowing that you’re body, soul and spirit

Love is praising on a mountain to be one with your trinity

Love is singing

Love is silence

Love is letting music move you

Love is confusion

Love is confronting your demons

Love is knowing your demons, so your loved ones don’t have to feel their aftermath

Love is forgiveness

Love is forgiving yourself for holding on to hurt

Love is bursting into tears on a bus filled with strangers

Love is healing in a different country, in isolation

Love is loving yourself through it all

Love is finding your voice

Love is finding your voice in prayer

Love is prayer

Love is being mindful of the things that make you happy.

Love is is standing up for what you believe in.

Love is kind

My kind of love is chaos, but it’s also deep.

My love is uniquely me.

Day 41: Silence

Some days I don’t write because I’m hurting.

And that’s been the case for the past 12 days.

Other days I don’t write because I’m so overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts which I force myself do deal with.

So please, excuse my silence, because during these moments, I have no desire to go on.

The pain drains me and pulls me away from confronting my demons and the pen.

I’m so grateful to those who remind me that I am not alone, that they too, are hurting and healing. I truly appreciate you all for reaching out.

During this time of silence, I’ve learned that healing is such a painful process.

Opening up to yourself, and identifying your own toxic traits which you’ve force fed yourself and having no one else to blame but yourself is daunting.

Learning to not only identify your toxic habits, but to make a conscious decision to unlearn them and actually follow through is a mammoth task.

But I owe it to myself and the people whom I wish to be surrounded by.

To those healing and hurting:

Remember, a healing journey is not an overnight stay; it is a process, and it’s often painful.

It’s a journey worth working through, feel free to pull to the side, as often as needed to care for your wounds, healing your heart with other broken parts of you is okay.

Day 28: Binging on Christ

I dedicated yesterday to seeking God’s face.

I read a number of plans and scriptures on my Bible App that touched and moved me deeply.

All relevant to various areas of my life, but most importantly my spiritual pigsty.

Throughout the day of constantly seeking, knocking, praying and listening, I came across The spiritual warfare battle plan, http://bible.com/r/2Oi a 5 Day Plan on my Bible app.

I decided to share this because throughout my journey, I was truly amazed at how people responded to my journey.

Many of us are hurting, yearning and healing.

I truly pray that this speaks to you like it did to me.

Below, I’ve shared an Excerpts that truly spoke to me each day:

Day1: Keep this truth in mind: the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Every demon has the same mission. How they go about it—their strategies and tactics—are different. A spirit of fear attacks your faith, for example, while a spirit of rejection attacks your identity. Satan is strategic. His army is highly organized, and he is sending specific spirits against believers to derail them from their kingdom purpose.

Day 2: The spirit of Jezebel seeks to seduce and often works through teaching and prophecy. This spirit seduces the saints into idolatry and immorality. This spirit may use control and manipulation to do it, but ultimately that’s not the end game. Jezebel’s end game is murder. The wages of sin is death, and Jezebel leads people into sin.

I further studied the spirit of Jezebel.

Turns out that the Jezebel spirit is one of Satan’s higher-ranking, more intelligent demons if not the smartest kind of demon he has in his kingdom.

Below are some further studies:

Part 1: What is the Jezebel Spirit

https://www.bible-knowledge.com/the-jezebel-spirit-and-how-it-operates/

Part 2: The Ways in Which the Jezebel Spirit Will Operate

https://www.bible-knowledge.com/how-jezebel-spirit-will-operate/

Another enlightening read:

https://aandbcounseling.com/12-warning-signs-person-influence-jezebel-spirit/

Day 3: Prayer-Father, in the name of Jesus I come to You repenting of giving in to feelings of fear. I rebuke the spirit of fear that is working to entrap me, steal my faith, rob my peace, and otherwise riddle me with anxiety, in Christ’s name. I choose faith, trust, and love. I fear and trust the Lord only, in the name of the Christ. Amen.

Day 4: Bitterness is deadly. Over time, bitterness will defile our spirits and dull our ability to sense the presence of God or hear His voice. If you are mad at God, be honest with Him. Give Him your anger, and He will turn that anger into peace and a greater revelation of His sovereignty if you will let Him.

I was also moved by the prayer:

Lord, I choose to forgive those who hurt me, offended me, abused me, despitefully used me, or wronged me. Help me, Lord, to recognize the enemy’s strategy to trap me in resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Help me not to hold people’s sins against them. Teach me to avoid responding with a judgmental heart when I am hurting. Heal my emotions and renew a right spirit within me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Day 5: Breaking the power of vicious circles is often a matter of making better choices, but when it’s a demonic cycle you need to identify the imaginations and wrong thought patterns that are allowing wicked spirits to wreak havoc on your life. 

Go forth, spiritual warrior, with praise in your heart and prayer on your lips, dressed for battle. The battle belongs to the Lord, and the devil will flee seven ways. He has no choice when you submit yourself to God and resist him. No demon in hell is stronger than a will aligned with the Word of God. God’s grace floods the soul that seeks first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.

-I’m so glad that I’ve been focusing on old habits and patterns to find healing. A part of me felt like I was wasting my time, another party of me didn’t even want to dig deeper, in fear of numerous things.

There is so much power in identifying your patterns and what thoughts you break into when certain events or human encounters occur.

Be mindful of where you mind wonders off to when you’re left alone with your own thoughts.

Be mindful of where your mind wonders off to in the presence of certain people and occurrences.

Don’t foolishly allow your imagination to whisk itself off with pieces of you and your faith, only to replace them with doubt and fear.

Be mindful and vigilant.

Always guard your thoughts and faith.